My Travels Out Of The Closet

The Question - January 2012

2012-01-22T10:30:00.001-07:00

Stephen Chapman has started a new monthly project where he asks his readers a question and they post the answers on their blog.

This month's question is: What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

So there's the obvious answers - like stabilizing the middle east, world peace, curing cancer. But I think that Stephen is probably looking for a more personal answer.

I would find the one, settle down, and live happily ever after.

-nl

Flirting

2012-01-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

From time to time at work I need to consult with someonefrom a different department – so we’ll have a half hour meeting to discuss theissue at hand. I’ve noticed thateverytime I meet with this particular person, I get the sense that they’re flirtingwith me – and then I find myself flirting back.

Thing is – it’s a women. She’s pretty. Funny. Nice. The usual criteria that one looks for in a partner. Don’t worry – I’m not sexually attracted toher. And I doubt if she is attracted tome. She’s married with kids. I don’t think either of us interested inpursuing anything.

I just think that our personalities mesh in a way where wefind each other quite amusing. So itbecomes playful.

Is this something anyone else experiences? I suspect it’s somewhat common.

I think in this case, I flirt back because I know nothingwill happen. There’s no risk (tome). I suppose I might be leading heron, but I really doubt that it means anything more to her than “oh look – heplays along. I’ve still got it.”

Maybe I still have it too. Lol.

Monthly Pics

2012-01-08T16:54:00.004-07:00

Stephen Chapman stopped hosting the 5 on the Fifth last month. I still snap pics from time to time when I'm out and about. I don't know what else to do with them but post them. So I'll call this my monthly pic post. Here's my first crack at it.

Texture

Empty Soda

Window

Insomnia

Rain

Almost Home

5 on the 5th - December 2011

2011-12-05T21:28:00.001-07:00

Hello Everyone. Here's my contribution to Stephen's monthly photo sharing event. Please be sure to stop by Stephen's Blog to view the other participants.

Sadly - this is the last month of 5 on the 5th. But check back here near the 5th of the month - I think I'll keep posting pics.

I didn't follow the theme this month - just some random shots.

Click on the images to expand.

@the car wash

my cat. he's not amused.

some of my car keys. i was having a hard time deciding what to drive.

a cool evening in phoenix

martial arts

Ghosts of Christmas Past

2011-11-30T14:17:00.001-07:00

Well, not actually Christmas, but ghosts of the past. In the past few weeks three guys who were formerlyinvolved in my life in one way or another have reappeared. Two were old friends with benefits (I’vesaid it before – not so much friends, but heavy on the benefits), and one wassomeone I dated briefly.

The first guy I mentioned in a post a long time ago – and Icalled him Casey. We recently startedtalking when he messaged me through a popular website for gay men to meet eachother. At first we didn’t realize thatwe knew each other, but after we exchanged some photos, we quickly realizedthat we’ve been down this path before. So we met up. A good time was hadby all. Since then we’ve messaged a fewtimes, but I doubt that we’ll meet up again, since it’s about an hour drive tohis place.

The second guy is Jimmy. If you’re a longtime reader of this blog, you’ll know who Jimmy is. He found me on the same online website notmentioned above. It’s been many monthssince we’ve talked. We’re probablygoing to meet for dinner soon. Just totalk. Seriously.

The third guy has also been mentioned in this blogbefore. I called him Rick. We briefly dated. Then things kind of fell apart. A few weeks back he messaged me, and sincethen we communicate every so often. Heasked if we can meet up for a beer. Isaid sure.

Keep in mind – I’m just meeting these guys to talk. There’s no expectation on my part. I seriously doubt that Jimmy and I would everhave anything substantial – we just don’t seem to have that much incommon. We’d probably bore each other todeath after a few hours. Rick – IDK. Maybe there’s potential, but like I said, itfell apart before.

There’s a few new guys I’ve met too. Mike is a helicopter pilot. Nice guy. We went out once. It wasfun. But we haven’t been able to meet uprecently due to his schedule. I tend toback off when someone can’t make it, but he keeps messaging me indicating thathe wants to go out. My take on that isif you really want to meet someone, you make the time. Otherwise we’re just playing games.

The second new guy is Mark. I really like Mark. So far wehaven’t gone out on a date, if you catch my drift, but we've met up several times. He’s a bit younger than me (like 13years). He's cute as hell and has an amazing body. Smart too - he teaches at the University. Reads like crazy. We probably won’t be anythingmore that FWBs at this point, but I’d like to think there’s the possibility formore. I suppose we need to have adiscussion.

In other news – I am officially divorced. Of course – we still live in the same house,so it’s not exactly a clean break. Butas mentioned before, we get along fine. It only becomes awkward when I have to explain my situation to apossible date.

5 on the 5th - November 2011

2011-11-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone. Here's my contribution to Stephen's monthly photo sharing event. Please be sure to stop by Stephen's Blog to view the other participants. This month's theme was "Movement" - but I chose to just take some random shots.

Click on the images to expand.

Furniture

Albuquerque

Marathon

Car Wash

Laundry

The Other Man

2011-10-29T22:32:00.001-07:00

Maybe this post is long overdue. It would seem that I have taken on a rolethat I don’t particularly like. I’m notreally sure how it happened.

Sometime I go out on dates with guys. They typically are unsuccessful. Either I don’t like the guy – or he doesn’tlike me. To meet up with a guy and bothof us have an interest, well that just hasn’t happened.

I do meet up with guys for just sex. Oddly – that works better. I’m much more likely to meet a guy multipletimes if it’s just for sex than if it’s a date.

Not that mind having a friend with benefits. The main problem is – a lot of them havesomeone else in their life. Generally I’mnot aware of their situation until after we’ve already met up. Here’s the most recent example: I met this fairly attractive, in shape manfor a hookup. Right after we finished up– you could hear a noise in the house. Like a door closing. He said “Ohshit! My roommate is home!” That didn’t really faze me since we were inhis room. What would his roommatecare? But he started to get dressed veryrapidly. I asked him “will you’reroommate just barge in your room?” Hesaid “they might.” So I started to getdressed frantically. The bedroom had adoor that opened to the outside – so I made my exit as soon as I was dressed(my socks were still in my hands – I figured I better get out before I gotcaught). The whole thing looked like ascene from a crappy movie.

About a week later the same guy texts me. He wanted to know if I could come over. Ithought about it for a few minutes and decided to go ahead and visit himagain. It was hot last time.

Between visits I had given it some thought – and it seemedthat his reaction was a little over the top for a roommate. I can’t see a roommate barging in his roomunannounced. So maybe it was hisboyfriend. Or he still lives with hisparents. So when I went back the secondtime – I looked for evidence of a partner.

And I saw some. Women’sclothing and a purse in his bedroom. He’sgot a female partner.

After we finished – I asked him “did you get caught lasttime?” He said no. Then I said “are you married?” He said “no. I have a live in.” So I said “Livein girlfriend?” He said yes. I asked him if that’s who had come home lasttime. He said “Yes. She’s usually at work at that time, but leftearly.”

Oh boy.

And there are plenty of other guys who have boyfriends andthey call/text me from time to time. Almost always the BF doesn’t know that they play on the side. It’s not something I’m comfortable with – andI’ve decided to stop interacting with these people.

Another interesting fact is that most of these guys willtell me that the boyfriend does know – that they have an openrelationship. But then there’s someevidence that they don’t have an open relationship, and when pressed, they’lladmit that the boyfriend has no idea. Ifwe do talk about I tend to hear the same thing “my boyfriend and I never havesex anymore”. Which is probably a liejust to make them seem less like an ass for cheating.

I’ve also heard “sex with my boyfriend really isn’tsatisfying”. Maybe I’m naive here – but myadvice to these guys is to end the relationship. If you’re not happy in the bedroom – move on.

Anyway - I'm tired of being the other man.

5 on the 5th - October 2011

2011-10-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone. Here's my contribution to Stephen's monthly photo sharing event. Please be sure to stop by Stephen's Blog to view the other participants. This month's theme was "Pleasure" - but I chose to just take some random shots.

Click on the images to expand.

I suppose this could count as pleasure - a group of friends enjoying a drink.

Fountain

Stop. I took this because I love the little graffiti drawing on the sign.

Artificial Flower

Up Above It All

Smiles

2011-08-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

I go out on dates fairly regularly. And by dates I mean real dates. Dinner. Movies. Normal stuff. So typically when I start seeing someone, we’ll communicate via text. Sometimes it’s just for logistical purposes, “I’m running 5 minutes late”, etc. But often I’ll have a flirty banter back forth with a guy. This can go on for days, or if you have a deeper connection with someone and enjoy conversing with them, it can go on for months.

The type of texting varies – sometimes it’s innocent. Sometimes it’s cute. Sometimes it’s naughty. Yes – I admit it. I’ve sexted. It can be fun.

The sometimes awkward part is when things move from innocent or cute to naughty. Face to face it’s fairly easy to read that someone is talking about something of a sexual nature. But via text (or any other electronic communication) – you can’t always see the tone. Plus typo’s are fairly common, given the nature of smart phone keyboards. Autocorrect doesn’t always work in your favor, either.

But something that I’ve been paranoid about for a while is the smile. :)

Because sometimes I type ;) by mistake. And that means something totally different than :)

:) is cute. It’s innocent. It says “I like what you just said” or “that was funny”.

But ;) says “Hey. Let’s drop all the pretense here. We’re both adults. We have needs. Let’s get this ball rolling.”

“I can’t wait to see you tonight. :)” and “I can’t wait to see you tonight. ;)” mean two different things.

So if I receive a ;) I never know how to react to it. Was it a typo? Does it not mean anything? Am I supposed to switch gears here? I could act like it was a :) instead. That might send the message that I’m not interested. But what if he didn’t mean ;) the way I think he did? I might come across as an ass.

Impatience

2011-08-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

I do occasionally meet up with people for nothing more than the sex. It's not my primary goal - but until Mr. Right comes along - I visit with Mr. Right Now from time to time. And now I see what they really mean by "Right Now".

I live in a suburb of Phoenix. The Phoenix metro area is quite large geographically. It can take an hour to drive from one side of the metropolis to the other. I happen to live on one side. It's an area that's more conservative and appeals to families. Therefore, a lot of the single gay men live farther away - in more urban and trendy areas.

So, from time to time, I'll have a discussion with a nice gentleman online. Once we mutually decide that it would be nice to meet - they give me their address. Then the difficult part comes. I say "okay, give me 45 minutes to get there."

"What? Can you get here sooner? That's too late."

I want to reply with "not unless you can teleport me over there." I mean really. They know where I live. It's in my profile. Usually they make some comment about me living out in the middle of nowhere (it's not - really). Then they expect me to be able to drive 39 miles in city traffic in 10 minutes. Believe it or not - it can actually be done in 45 minutes - we have nice highways in Phoenix. But they're not magic. And we don't have an inner city bullet train.

Then the dreaded response comes: "well - maybe some other time." We all know how that goes.

I'd love to move to a more gay friendly area, but unfortunately my job is here. And so is my life. My daughter is very happy with her school, and I don't want to disrupt her any more than necessary. So a move to downtown Phoenix is unlikely.

I guess I'm just going to have to live with the impatient men of Phoenix. At least until Mr. Right appears. Now where the hell is he?

The Phoenix Metro Area - 16,573 square miles/37,744 km² (according to Wikipedia)

Five on the Fifth - August 2011

2011-08-05T00:59:00.000-07:00


A small bridge over a man made river (most bodies of water in AZ are man made).

Construction. Not all parts of the economy are in free fall.

Dust Storm. This was taken from my front yard. Welcome to the desert. Dust storms are a part of life here.

A typical suburban Phoenix neighborhood.


Wine. Not really in keeping with the theme - but drinking wine helps one cope with the heat and dust storms. :)

Hello

2011-07-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

Hi. You may have been wondering where I've been. I've been busy. Work. Life. Home. Family. Lots has been going on, and it seems that the first thing I drop is this blog. The next thing I drop is reading everyone else's blogs.

So let me see if I can bring everyone up to speed on me. That sounds pretty narcissistic, doesn't it?

Work: I changed jobs (still with the same company). It's a different division, and the culture is a bit different. I'm really pleased with the change, but it has left me with a lot less free time.

Home: I'm still living under the same roof with the wife. Still married, too. We're planning on talking to a lawyer soon to remedy that. I guess it's hard to pull the trigger when things are just so comfortable the way they are. We get along great. But I know and she knows that it's for the best if we get the paperwork done and dissolve the marriage. It will happen. Hopefully sooner than later. My daughter is great.

Family: Mostly fine. My dad scared us all recently with a heart attack. He's fine now, but this event was a bit more severe than previous episodes he's had. It was bad enough that my family called me and told me I better come, because they didn't think he was going to make it. He did make it. He had a rough couple of weeks after the attack, but now he's improving at a good pace.

Men: It's been interesting. I'm not currently seeing anyone that I've mentioned in this blog before. I still date fairly regularly, just not the same guys. And by date, I mean real dates. Like dinner or movies. But it always seems that one of us isn't all that into the other one, and a second date is highly unlikely.

I also have a few new friends with benefits. Currently there are 3. First there's Jeremy. He's a hairdresser. Sometimes we go out (like a real date), but it's pretty obvious that the interest is more focused on the physical between us. And that's fine.

Next there's Ian. He's a nice kid. Don't worry - he's legal (24 I think). We've never gone out on a date, but he's really sweet.

Lastly, there's Jessie. Jessie's rich (he comes from a wealthy family). Not that it matters, but it's fun. He has access to things that I don't. Like nice cars. Really really nice cars. That cost as much as houses. Typically we'll meet up and go out in his car. He's 24, so it's kind of funny. He's closeted, so we have to be careful. The coolest thing about hanging with Jessie is the discussion. Sometimes we talk for hours. We can really connect. Probably because he doesn't get to talk to people about being gay, but we do talk about all kinds of things.

I did go out with a guy for a while who was an adult dancer. That was interesting. I wouldn't have minded maintaining some kind of relationship with him, but he had to go and lie. He would say things like "I really like you, and I could see us being a couple." And then he'd go off an flirt with another guy. I wasn't expecting a monogamous relationship with him - but I was expecting him to be honest. So don't tell me one thing, and do the opposite. I've been in that situation before, and I'm not going back. The funny thing about liars, they're always telling you how truthful they are. Another thing I've noticed about liars - they think everyone is buying their bullshit. If you're a pathological liar and you're happy with yourself because you think everyone believes your lies, sorry to tell you that most of us are on to you. We just don't call you on your bullshit because it's more fun to see what you're going to say next. But my time with him was actually pretty fun and I don't regret it.

If you've seen Biki's blog at all, you probably heard that I visited him in Alaska. That was a blast. If you haven't been to Alaska - go. It's beautiful. But go in the summer. LOL. Unless you can't sleep if there's too much light. The sun went down for about 2 hours a day. And even then, it was still bright out. But the scenery is truly amazing. And Biki and his family were quite gracious.

On the way up, I stopped in Seattle for a few days. I visited with another friend, who I met through this blog, but she doesn't have a blog of her own. Slacker. She took me out gay clubbing - and I had an awesome time, but I apparently had too much to drink and don't remember blocks of time from that evening. And someone stole my jacket. If you're reading this and you're a gay man in Seattle with a newly acquired (by thievery) leather bomber jacket - I have two words for you: karmic retribution.

Also - there are some seriously hot men in Seattle. I made some new friends there, and I think we'll be friends for years to come. One guy I think is going to come visit me in Phoenix this fall, so that should be fun.

Well - I think that about sums it up. I'll post a few pics from my travels.

Click on the pics to expand.

Five on the 5th - April 2011

2011-04-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme this month was "Blur"

A car whizzes by

Paper Dolls
My daughter made these paper dolls of me a few years ago.
They hang in my cubicle.

A blurry foreground.

Downtown Smallville.
Not really keeping with the theme - but a pic a took this Sunday.

The Arizona Eastern.
Again - deviating from the theme. Oops.

Dating

2011-03-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I spent the weekend in West Hollywood. I saw OMD perform on Friday night. They were great. I had a blast. Plus the change of scenery is nice. It’s good to get away from time to time.

In my last update I talked about Rick. He was a guy that I hooked up with once. We got to talking and it seemed like he was a decent guy. He asked me if I’d like to go out sometime – and I was open to that. But then we were never able to make our schedules sync. Or rather he was never free. I took that as a sign that he wasn’t really interested and pretty much wrote him off.

Fast forward four months later. Rick messages me and says “you should give me one more chance.” So I did. And I’m glad I did. We met up and had dinner a few nights back. I had a great time – I think he did too. The conversations flowed well, and we both were very comfortable with each other. We’re pretty much on the same page as far as wants and expectations in a relationship. He wants to meet up again soon – so we tentatively set something up for next week. I have a good feeling about this – I’ve been on a lot of dates recently, and often times there’s nothing there. Or worse…

I recently went out with someone I met online. The date itself wasn’t horrible – it went okay. But the next day he started texting me nonstop. At first I was polite and responded. But after a bit I slowed my responses. Then he asked if I’d like to come by and join him at his coaching job. I declined politely. That’s when he got nasty. He started texting insults to me. He still is several days later – so I’m going to have to block his phone number. And I haven’t responded to one of his texts since he got nasty. The scary thing? He’s an elementary school teacher. Maybe he shouldn’t be trusted with the hearts and minds of children.

I just hope I don’t come home one day to find a rabbit cooking on the stove.

5 on the Fifth - March 2011

2011-03-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme this month was "Lines"

A line of palm trees

Line out

Lights on a squiggly line

Mortar lines

Lines of water

Time Flies

2011-02-21T01:28:00.000-07:00

My goal is to write two posts per month on this blog (not including the 5 on 5^th photo posts). Obviously I’m failing. Time sure does fly by.

As mentioned in my last update, I started attending some of the work LGBT group functions. This has been a great way to network with other gay men. For some reason, I never had any gay male friends in my life before coming out. I don’t think I was avoiding gay men – which you might suspect of a gay man pretending to be straight. But oddly, I almost never came across men who I knew were gay. Up until recently (about 18 months now), I only knew one openly gay man. And we were just acquaintances.

So the work LGBT group has been great. I’ve gone to three of the potluck/game days, and one luncheon. I have to say that they’re a great group of guys (the functions I’ve been going to are mostly gay male centric). Within the group I’ve made a few good friends who I communicate with regularly.

As far as my personal life goes – I’m still seeing Mitch (who I talked about briefly in my last update). We’re not a couple – just two guys who go out from time to time. I don’t think there’s much potential for us to be a couple since he’s extremely closeted. And I’m not really that into him. He’s nice and I have a good time with him, but there no real chemistry there. No spark. At least on my side. He may feel differently. I suspected that he did, and he did say some things last night that made me think he’s interested in more than just a FWB arrangement. He asked me if he was special among all my male friends. I wasn’t sure how to answer that – but we do have a decent friendship, so in a sense, yes. But I don’t think that’s what he meant.

By the way – I don’t have that many male friends. I see Mitch. There was another guy who I’ve met a few times (let’s call him Rick), but we haven’t been able to make our schedules match up. Or at least it wasn’t a big enough priority to warrant either of us to shift things. So I think that’s pretty much over.

There is another person who I see from time to time. We’re much closer friendship wise than Mitch or Rick. Plus we’ve been seeing each other for a much longer time. Long story – not going to go into it here. I guess there are some things I don’t talk about on this blog.

That’s it. So basically two guys who I go out with occasionally.

This is my last week in my current job. Next week I start in a new position (at the same company). I’m looking forward to this. It will be good to have a change. I’ve been burned out for a while in my current position. Plus this new job is something totally different from what I’ve done in the past, so new challenges.

No change with my family life. I’m still living in the same house with my (eventually ex-) wife and daughter. On the plus side, I get to see my daughter all the time. Also, my wife and I are getting along better than ever. The negatives – I think it scares potential LTR material away. Who wants to get involved with a guy who still lives with his ex?

As for my other family (parents/siblings) – things are still a bit awkward. Recently my mom has been dealing with some problems related to my brother and his kids, so I’ve not been the issue of the day for a while now. But she’s still unable to talk about anything related to me being gay. Any mention of it and she hangs up. But I know she’s trying.

In other news – I’ve booked a flight to Alaska this summer (going to see Biki). I’m really excited about it. I’ve never been to AK. Plus it’s always great to see Biki. If you haven’t been to his blog – check it out. On the way I’m stopping in Seattle for three days. I LOVE Seattle. While there, I’ll be visiting a friend who I met through this blog. She will remain nameless (but she knows who she is).

A photo I took of Seattle many years ago. Although it looks like dusk, it was about 11:00pm. You can almost see Mt. Rainier on the far right side. This is a scan of the print, so sorry for the damage.

A few weeks ago I went to see Jay Brannan perform in Phoenix. He was great, as usual. If you haven’t checked out his blog, or his website, or his YouTube page, do so now. I got to meet him again (this time I got my picture taken with him).

I’m going to see OMD perform in LA. Can’t wait for that. It seems that I’ve seem more 80’s bands perform in the last few years than I saw in the 80’s.

Thanks for reading. I’m sure I won’t post anything else before March’s 5 on 5^th.

-nl

5 on the Fifth - February 2011

2011-02-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme this month was "Reflections"

Light reflected in a CD

Ceiling reflected in an iPhone

Headlight reflecting its surroundings

Reflection from a chrome side mirror

My work cubical reflected in a small mirror (that I use to see if someone is sneaking up on me)

5 on 5th - January 2011

2011-01-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme this month was "Fun and Games" - so I took some images at a local playground.

Web

Inside of a slide

Child on a tire swing

Entombed Toys

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T22:44:00.003-07:00

Merry Christmas everyone...

December Update

2010-12-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Once again I have been lax in updating this blog. Sorry.

So here’s an update on what’s been going on (in no particular order).

I attended a holiday function for the LGBT group at work. Initially I was a little apprehensive about going – you never know who you’ll run into. But I’m out to pretty much everyone. There are no secrets anymore, so why worry? But old habits die hard. I figured it would be good to network with some new people. Plus you never know – you just might meet the love of your life at one of these things. That didn’t happen. But I did meet about 15 or so guys – and about 7 lesbians. I ended up having a really good time. The event was hosted by one of the members at his home. It started out with a potluck and then turned into a game night. It was fun – and I even won one of the board games. Not bad for a new guy, huh? It’s actually a group of fun people. They get together about once a month for these things, so I think I’ll continue attending. I only knew one of the guys from work – and we don’t work in the same department, but I see him from time to time in the hallways. Another guy looked familiar, but I suspect I’ve seen his face on Grindr. I could be wrong.

I had a car accident. It was my fault. I feel really bad about what happened. Luckily the other family was really nice and (so far) hasn’t sued me. In the end everyone was okay. I feel like a totally idiot – but I guess these things happen.

The cat is still sick. He’s doing okay, but we have to monitor him regularly and most likely he’ll be put on some meds soon. For those of you following the vet story – I did ask him out. He declined. He is gay, but just not into me. Or something like that.

A month or so ago I went out on a date with a MoHo (Mormon homosexual). First MoHo date for me. Nice guy – but he lives about two hours away (by car). Not the most convenient situation. Because he’s a MoHo, he’s not out to his family. We had a good time and a nice conversation. We’ve emailed a time or two since then – but nothing exciting.

Last week I went out with someone new. Not my typical type, but a very nice looking man. I’ll call him Mitch. He’s not out (I’m sensing a pattern here) – so we talked at great length about my coming out. I’m not totally clear on why he’s not out since he hasn’t lived in Arizona very long, has no family here, and isn’t close with the family he’s in touch with. But I think it may have something to do with his profession. He’s a little bit younger than me – but old enough to have ventured out of the closet by now.

It was pretty obvious that Mitch was into me – and he suggested that we go out again. Since then we’ve firmed up plans for later this week.

Otherwise I’ve been using some dating / social networking sites to connect (not physically) with guys. That’s been working pretty well, save for the occasional awkward situation (like people who have been with people I’ve been with).

I finally met another blogger in person. Biki from Into The Great Wide Open was in town. We met for dinner three times during his stay. I had a great time visiting – and we even had a real adventure together when my car battery was dead in the middle of the night and had to set out on a quest to find a pair of jumper cables. I really know how to show someone a good time. LOL.

But seriously – Biki is great and I hope to see him again sometime. Maybe next time I’ll make it up to Alaska.

Oh – and I might have a new job (with the same company I currently work for). Ironically – my (eventually ex) wife set me up with an interview and the hiring manager loves me (no - not THAT way). That will go a long way to improve my current “mood”.

5 on 5th - December

2010-12-04T17:50:00.001-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme this month was "Faces" - normally I don't take photos of people, so normal face shots were kind of out of the question for me. So I did the best I could trying to keep in the theme. Again - I only use my phone, so please excuse the resolution.

Sculpture

Clock Face

Gnome

My Cat

Nissan Leaf. Maybe they should have called it Frog. Or Toad.

Pics

2010-11-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Just some pics I took yesterday.

Meeting the vet on Veteran’s day

2010-11-11T23:18:00.001-07:00

Since Thursday was Veteran’s day in the US – my daughter was home from school. I took the day off and we spent all day together. It was actually fun – although I know I bored her a bit.

At lunch time we went to a restaurant. They sat us down and the waiter came over. I had this strange feeling I knew the guy – but couldn’t place him. He kind of gave me a similar look – “where the hell do I know this guy from?”

Every time he walked by I looked at him – trying to figure out how I know him. Then it hit me – Grindr. I’ve seen him on Grindr. So I pulled out my phone and took a look. Yep. It was him. Same guy – no doubt about it.

So now what do I do? “Hey – I’ve seen you Grindr. So you like to hook up, huh?” - no, that won’t work. My daughter is with me. So I chose the conservative route. I did nothing. I’m not sure if he figured out how he knew me or not. Or if he even recognized me at all. I haven’t had an active Grindr profile in a while – so my photo’s not floating on the dashboard right now.

After that we went to the veterinary’s office. Our cat has been less than healthy recently – so I’ve had to make some trips to the vet. Poor cat. The upside? The vet is really, really cute. During our first appointment he behaved very conservatively. Of course – I had my daughter and wife with me. Plus the cat. Then he called me the next day with the test results. He was really nervous on the phone. He said they needed to do another blood draw – and asked if I could bring the cat in the next morning. So I took the cat by myself this time. The technician came out and took the cat in back to do the blood draw. Oddly (to me, at least), the vet wanted to talk to me in person. So I met him in an exam room – and he talked about possible treatments for the cat (which we already had talked about on the phone the previous day). Again – he was nervous.

So today he calls with some more test results – and wanted to give me a list of foods we can buy to help. He asked me if he should read the list over the phone, or would I prefer to come in and he could give me a copy. I said “I have a pen handy – just read me the list.” So he does. Then he says – I really think you should stop by today. I want to talk to you about the “no-sorb” litter (we need to test the cat’s urine for a few weeks. Yeah – fun). I mean – it’s pretty self explanatory. The cat pees in the no-sorb and you stick a test strip in it. No big deal. It wasn’t necessary for me to go to the office. But he’s cute – so I did.

The funny thing – today (both on the phone and in person) – he wasn’t nervous. Flirty would be too much of an exaggeration. He was really friendly. He kept cracking little jokes – and he laughed at everything I said. It was actually really cute.

Of course – he probably thinks I’m happily married. Anyway – it appears I’ll be seeing more of him over the next few weeks as he’s planning to monitor the cat’s progress closely.

Modern Questions

2010-11-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was watching Modern Family last week while my daughter was in the family room with me. She wasn’t really paying attention to the show – she was playing. My wife was in the kitchen (which is open to the family room) cutting some vegetables.

If you haven’t seen Modern Family (you should) – it’s a sitcom about an extended family. It’s one of the funniest shows currently airing. One of the couples is gay – two men raising a little girl. During one of their scenes – my daughter asked “how can two boys have a baby?” I wasn’t sure where she was going with her question – it could have been “couples are one man and one woman” – or it could have been “how do two men have a baby?” As I sat there trying to figure out how I was going to answer, I saw my wife smiling. Her expression said “I’ll let you handle this one.”

Before I could formulate a coherent response, my daughter said “How does that happen? They can’t even get pregnant.” Ah – we’re talking about how two men have a baby. Okay – I can do this.

I asked her if she knew what adoption was. She said “Yes – that’s when someone adopts a baby because the mommy and daddy died.” I said “yes – or sometimes the biological parents just can’t take care of a baby, so they put it up for adoption hoping the baby will have a better life with another family.” From the kitchen comes “Or sometimes the mommy has to go to prison.” True – I suppose.

Then my daughter said in a very happy playful voice “Okay” – and she went back to playing. She never asked about why the couple was two boys – maybe she’s just cool with that.

5 on 5th - November

2010-11-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

Rain on the roof of my car. Nature's recycling.

Recycled tin cans are now toy cars and trucks.

Clothes being donated to charity.

My recycling bins (themselves recycled cat litter boxes)


My work computer. This week my computer died - so they gave me an even older one.

Status Update

2010-10-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

My wife and I have been working tirelessly on our house – trying to fix things up and make it sell-able. We’re almost done painting the interior. We’ve finished replacing the flooring in the living areas. We’ve cleaned up the landscaping in the front yard. My daughter has spent the last two weeks at my parent’s house. This has allowed my wife and I more freedom to work on the house – at least we don’t feel as guilty not playing with her. Plus she likes going to grandma and grandpa’s house.

We had a nasty storm blow through the Phoenix area, and our neighbor’s tree fell on our house. It ended up breaking about 20 or so roof tiles, as well as taking some chunks out of the stucco and damaging an attic vent. The bank that owns the home next door (it was foreclosed on a few months ago) paid to have the tree removed, and the roof fixed. I think we’re on our own for the remainder of the repairs. Funny thing is – the guys that they sent over to remove the tree were really attractive. Well one of them was really hot – the other was really cute. Both of them were totally do-able. But straight, I’m sure. And a bit out of my league. I can dream.

It appears that I have over-exerted myself while working on the house. I’ve been having difficulty walking for the last three weeks or so. I think I might have pinched a nerve while we were doing the tile work. I now walk much more slowly, and with a limp. My legs don’t hurt – they just don’t work the way they used to. I think they’re slowly getting better. I’m moving a bit faster now – but I still get passed a lot when walking in public areas.

I went on a date with a guy earlier this week. We didn’t really hit it off, but it wasn’t a bad evening. I doubt we’ll see each other again. There’s another guy that I’ve been messaging on a dating site for several weeks now – but we haven’t met. He seems pretty nice – and maybe we should grab a coffee of something. He’s a bit younger than me – so I don’t know how well we’d relate to each other. He seems pretty shy – so I’ll probably have to ask him out.

Since Biki was nice enough to comment on my last 5 on the 5th post – and asked me to post more pics, I thought I would. No theme – just some random shots that I’ve taken recently. I pretty much photograph everything with my phone now - so excuse the resolution.

5 on 5th - October

2010-10-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme this month was"Round". I took all of these photos at work - just things I found in my cubicle.

Magnifying Glass

Keyboard

Pins

Batteries

Markers

What's Up?

2010-09-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

Again – I have to start off by apologizing for not posting much lately. Sorry.

My wife and I have been trying to get things fixed up around the house in the off chance that someone might want to buy it. We spent a good amount of time this weekend painting the master bedroom. It looks really good now. That’s the problem when you fix up a place to sell it – you start liking it more. But neither of us can afford to keep the place on our own, so it has to go.

Then we cleaned the garage. We’ve been in a perpetual state of purging for some time now. The garage ends up being a catch all for all kinds of crap – so it’s never easy to sort through things there. But we did get rid of a lot of junk. It feels good to get rid of useless crap.

My wife had some gift cards to a restaurant – so she treated my daughter and I to dinner tonight. They sat us at a table and the waiter came over – he was a really cute guy. I thought he was a little flirtatious. With me. But I could be wrong. So we get in the car and I said to my wife “what did you think about the waiter?” And she replied “well – he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. He was obviously interested.”

Damn. Always when I’m with the wife and/or daughter. Never when I’m alone. Just my luck.

Let see – what else is new? I think I haven’t updated everyone on the current status of my relationship with my mom. Well – we get along okay. As long as we don’t talk about me being gay. Once that comes up she has the immediate need to hang up. I’ve mentioned this in the past – and it still holds true. But what is different now is that she’s become “Gay News Central”. She has to tell me about all gay related current events. So she’s cool with gay stuff – just not when it has to do with me. Kind of funny – I guess. But there still is some tension – and not just with my mom. My parents came down for a visit a few weekends back. It was awkward. They had absolutely nothing to say to me if it was just me and one or both of them in the room. Once my daughter or wife was around they were fine, and the conversation flowed. I guess they’re still struggling with things.

I previously mentioned that I came out to my best friend. I was worried that he wouldn’t take things too well – I always suspected he was homophobic. I guess I was wrong. Wow. He’s been really supportive. Not only that – we talk about all kinds of stuff happening in my life – and not only does he listen, but he even makes suggestions. Sometime he compares my scenario to what’s happening/happened in his life. He even asks clarifying questions. Surprise surprise. It’s pretty cool.

5 on Fifth - August

2010-09-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme this month was"The Blues"

Umbrella

Jeans

Pot

Storefront

Up Above

A quick update

2010-08-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

I have been really lazy when it comes to posting on my blog. I’ve also been lazy following my favorite blogs, too. I’m sorry if you’re missing my comments.

I suppose I haven’t really needed to blog much lately. I started this blog as a sort of therapy. It helped more than I thought it would. So did all the comments from everyone. Along the way I’ve made some close friends who I email fairly regularly.

But I don’t want to stop blogging. I’m just having a problem writing right now. It’s not that things aren’t happening in my life – but for whatever reason, I don’t feel like writing about them.

Things with my family are still a little awkward. My mom really doesn’t want to discuss anything, and when we do, it’s odd. She generally finds a reason to hang up when the topic of my sexual orientation comes up. Old dog – new trick. I get it.

I did come out to another co-worker recently. This was the first male I’ve come out to other than my father. He was cool with it – as I expected. He’s a newer employee in our group, and frequently hangs out with us cool people, so I thought I better say something to him before I slip. You know, you get comfortable around people and your filter goes away. So far only about 4 people from work know. There’s no need for me to broadcast anything – so I don’t intend on telling many more people.

And just today I came out to my best friend. That was hard. I’m not sure why it was. I’ve been trying to say something to him for months now – but every time I tried, I couldn’t. He took it pretty well. He said that is doesn’t change anything between us (I hope that’s true). Now that he knows – there’s really no need for me to keep anything secret from anyone. Again – I’m not going to run down the street with a rainbow flag, but he was the last person important to me that didn’t know.

Moving Back Towards Normal

2010-07-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

Several days back I posted an entry on how my family had said "this changes nothing" when I came out - but how it obviously had changed some things. Namely the fact that there was absolutely no interest in anything to do with me.

Well - there have been some changes since then. The next day my mom called me. For the first time since I came out - she mentioned me being gay.

Then she told me that she had talked to my brother about my "situation". Oh boy.

She said "you'd be surprised at his reaction. We were". If you haven't seem my earlier posts about my brother - let me refresh your memory. I've given him the pseudonym of "Jesse" on this blog - because he looks like Jesse Ventura. He's a very masculine body builder type. Big cars - big dogs - all the typical tough guy stuff. Twice in his life he's totally cut off a friend because he found out they were gay.

So they told him. He said to my parents "You realize there's nothing wrong with being gay, don't you? He's the same person he was before. You need to treat him exactly the same way you did before. Love him the same - and be there to support him. He probably needs your support right now."

I was shocked. As were my mom, my dad, and my sister. Who would have thought that my neanderthal brother would be the voice of reason in this situation?

My brother and I aren't very close. We usually say two or three words to each other annually "How are you?" or something like that. We only see each other once a year or so. We don't talk on the phone. We don't email. We have absolutely nothing in common - so there's really not much to say.

I guess the best part of this is that it's started my mom talking to me about things. Small steps - but steps in the right direction, at least.

I'm glad for that.

5 on the Fifth - July

2010-07-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested themes this month were "This past weekend" or "I don't like Mondays".

I chose "This past weekend" - and decided to use some photos I took with my phone while I was out this weekend. Please forgive the lower resolution.

Old School

Railing

Abducted

Office

Don't forget to check out Stephen's blog:

This Changes Some Things

2010-07-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

When I came out to my parents - my mom said to me "this changes nothing - we still love you." I'm sure they do. But it has obviously changed some things. Namely the fact that they have absolutely no interest in my life or what I'm doing.

I realize they need some time to adjust and everything can't be exactly as it was.

Before I came out - when I would talk to my mom on the phone, she would ask lots of questions (which was annoying, actually). She doesn't ask anything anymore. Also - years ago when I told my mom I was dating a girl (who eventually became my wife) - she constantly asked how she was, if we'd gone out recently, how things were between us, etc. When I came out to my parents two weeks ago - I told them I was seeing someone. There were a few questions about him at the time (how did we meet, how old is he, what does he do). But beyond the specifics, nothing else was asked. Since then - there has been no mention of him.

I know I could bring him up in conversation - but I get the impression from my mom that she doesn't want to know. It's ironic - I spent all of my life keeping my private life private from my family, while they constantly tried to catch a glimpse. Now that I've let them in - they don't want to know anymore.

It's a little frustrating - because I met the most incredible person and I'm going through the most amazing time in my life right now. But I can't share any of that with them.

So how does it make me feel to know that my family is less interested in my life? Well - I'm writing about it - so it must play some significance. But to be honest - it doesn't keep my up at night.

I understand that they need time to acclimate. In a perfect world - they wouldn't be bothered by the fact that their son is gay, and they would probably be happy that I'm at a good place in my life.

Things could be much worse. My family still talks to me - just not about the same things we used to talk about. Is that a horrible thing? Not really. I still consider myself a lucky person. And I have no regrets.

I Did It

2010-06-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

I took my daughter to my parent’s house a week ago so she could spend some time with them. She enjoys visiting them, and they love to have her.

So I drove her out last weekend, and went back this weekend to pick her up. I knew this would be a good time to come out to my family – because it’s something that I need to do face to face. I thought about doing it the previous weekend when I was there – but it didn’t happen. So I knew this was potentially my last chance in for a long while to clear the air.

So I did it. Let me say before I get into any details – it went well. I realize that I am an extremely lucky person to have family and friends who have been understanding and supportive. I know people who have had less than pleasant experiences coming out to loved ones, so I am truly appreciative of the support of the people in my life.

So I was at my parent’s house – and my daughter was there – and this wasn’t a conversation that I wanted to have with her in the room. So after dinner, my sister told my daughter to get ready for a bath. It seemed like a good time to talk to my parents. My mom was sitting at the dining room table – and my dad was nearby in the living room. I said “I need to talk to you guys”. Instantly my mom looked scared to death. Last time I said that, I told them I was getting divorced. What now?

My dad came and sat down at the dining room table with us. I said “I’ve been seeing someone, and it’s a guy.”

This was followed by dead silence and blank stares. For like two minutes – neither of them said anything. They both had a look like they had just seen a bad accident. I was beginning to think that this wasn’t going as well as I had hoped. So I finally said “it sure is quiet in here” - to which my mom replied “what do you want me to say?” I said “I thought you might have some questions”. She said “Do we know this person?” That’s kind of a funny question, because you would have to assume that if I’m seeing someone, they probably live in the Phoenix area, where I live. My parents don’t live in anywhere near Phoenix. They don’t know a lot of people in Phoenix, but they have met a few people I know. So I started thinking of the men who they do know – and could only come up with two. One is the husband of a friend of mine, and the other is my best friend. My best friend is African-American, so I can only surmise that my mom was trying to figure out if I was having an affair with a married black man. I suppose for my mom that would be more scandalous than just me being gay.

I said “No – you don’t know him.” My mom then asked “How did you meet this person?” I said online. That didn’t go over too well with my mom. She gave me a speech on how dangerous it is to meet people online. If she only knew.

She asked me a few more questions about who this person is, what they do, etc. Then she said “Well – this changes nothing.” It was a huge relief to hear those words. My dad sat there silently – like he does 99% of the time. My mom tried to get him to say something – so she said “well – it changes nothing for me. I can’t speak for you” – gesturing to my dad. My dad is on a five second delay in life. So he sat there looking confused for a bit and then said “Oh! Yes. It changes nothing.”

We sat there for about a half hour and I answered questions. It wasn’t too bad. In the end, they seem to be okay with everything. After that – I had to talk to my sister. She was somewhat indifferent to the whole thing, which I think is her typical reaction to anything controversial. She did ask a few questions – and I think she was trying to get the same sentiment across “this changes nothing” – but that’s not exactly how it came out. She said “it’s your life and you can do what you want” – as she shrugged her shoulders. I know she doesn’t have a moral dilemma with homosexuality – so I’m thinking she just didn’t know exactly what to say. That’s fine.

When I was talking to my parents – I told them that I had no intention of talking to my brother, and that I think he will be less than accepting. My dad shook his head yes, and my mom said “yes – this won’t go over well with him”.

I told my mom that she’s free to tell any of her friends and relatives, as she see’s fit. I told her that I’m not going to hide anything about this part of my life anymore – but the reality is I’m rarely around any of the extended family, or my mom’s friends.

She did get a little emotional the next day when I was leaving, and had to go back inside before I drove off.

I called them once I got home; just to let them know we made it back safely. I talked to my sister. I didn’t ask to speak to Mom – and she didn’t offer to give the phone to her. So I was thinking that she might need some time to process stuff. But a few hours later, the phone rang. It was my mom – sounding as normal as ever. Turns out she and my dad weren’t home when I called. So it seems that everything is back to normal.

What's Up?

2010-06-17T03:20:00.002-07:00

I haven’t posted anything in a long time. Sorry. I’m a bad blogger.

So what’s new with me? Well – I just got back from LA. I went to see Jay Brannan perform at the Roxy. Yes – that’s right – I saw my celebrity crush in person – plus I actually got the chance to talk to him after the show. I can die now.

He performed a cover of Patty Griffin’s “Every Little Bit” – which is now my new favorite song. Here’s a YouTube video of him performing it (not taken by me – or even at the performance I was at, but you get the idea).

Need more Jay Brannan info? Check out his blog or his website.

What else is going on? Well – I kind of have been seeing someone. For some reason I’m superstitious about blogging about it. Which is odd, because I’m not a superstitious person. But I will say that he’s an amazing person, and I’m really really glad I met him. And he’s cute as hell. So between that and Jay Brannan – I’m on a natural high right now. Or maybe it was those shrooms I ate – IDK.

I went to my parents house last weekend (my daughter is staying the week with them). So my mom made dinner and invited my brother over. If you’ve read some of my posts about my brother – you may remember that I said he looks and acts like Jesse Ventura. Just so you know – I in no way look like Jesse Ventura.

Well – he pulls up in a Mini Cooper. Kind of funny. Big tough guy in a cute little car. He normally drives something much more masculine than that, but his wife needed the larger vehicle that evening, so he was stuck with her Mini.

And I’m the gay one.

While were on the topic of gay – the Jay Brannan concert was in West Hollywood – so I got to explore a bit of gay LA. Let me just say this – there was more cruising going in the West Hollywood CVS Pharmacy than I’ve seen in a gay bar in Phoenix on a Friday night. And Grindr was going nuts. It measured distances in feet, not miles like it does at home. I got in the hotel elevator and thought “that guy looks familiar” – then I realized I’d seen him on Grindr. I suppose he was thinking the same thing.

5 on the Fifth - June

2010-06-04T18:45:00.001-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme was Looking Up

Spanish Mission

Art Deco

A Step Up

2nd Renaissance Revival

New and Old

Don't forget to check out Stephen's blog:

Not Exclusive

2010-05-20T16:57:00.003-07:00

So for those of you sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for me to post an update to the Jimmy saga - here it is (at long last).

In my last post on this topic I mentioned that Jimmy had written "hopefully u haven’t found someone else…." - which I found a little concerning, as I didn't think we had an exclusive relationship. I didn't respond to his comment.

The next day Jimmy writes this: "Have u hooked up with other guys from CL?" Okay - we obviously have to address this sooner rather than later. So I replied to him pretty quickly - saying: "Okay - I'll put all my cards on the table here. Sorry if I gave you the impression of exclusivity. I have one other friend with benefits that I see from time to time. Less frequently than I see you. We play safe, so no worry there. I also have a friend that I go out with - like dating. We haven't done anything sexual though."

A few hours later Jimmy responded with: "Its all good i am no judge and jury here. Just didn't know the situation"

Okay - cool. We were planning on meeting soon anyway - and he mentioned that. So he's not too pissed about the situation. But in his last email that day, he writes this: "Yeah, I think we need to make this a more reg thing".

Uh-oh. I don't know what he means by regular. Like every Wednesday? Fine. Let's pick out china? Not cool.

So we met as planned - and eventually got around to talking about the situation. I had been talking to a friend of mine about this - and she said she thought that Jimmy was getting emotionally attached. After talking with him - it seems the only emotion he's feeling is fear. Fear of loosing his only FB. He's concerned that I'll find someone better and stop seeing him. I guess it's not so easy finding a regular - even though I appear to be tripping over them. He's fine with me doing whatever I want - as long as I'm safe and I keep seeing him.

Realistically - it will have to end some time. I'm not planning on rolling up to Jimmy's house in my 70's. For the time being - it's a nice situation. But eventually I would like to meet someone more permanent. It looks as though Jimmy is not looking for something similar. And that's good, because we're not the ideal couple. Outside of the bedroom - we have little in common. Not much to talk about. We don't hang out on the weekends, and probably never will. Our tastes are a bit different. I haven't seen Jimmy wearing any gold chains - but they wouldn't look out of place on him. And he named his car. Who does that? Plus his car is also kind of stereotypical - think Smokey and the Bandit. I mean no disrespect to my readers in New Jersey.

50th Post - 50 things about me

2010-05-18T14:34:00.001-07:00

This is my 50^th post. So I thought I would do one of these “get to know me” posts. Here are 50 random facts about me.

I’m an Aquarius – but don’t follow astrology

I’m not particularly fond of beef.

I have an unhealthy interest in reality TV.

I don’t swim very well.

I drink scotch (when I drink). Sometimes gin.

I like being alone – but rarely get the chance.

My favorite color is blue.

I’m afraid to get another pet – because they keep dying.

I am addicted to my iPhone.

My sarcasm gets me in trouble from time to time.

I am a pessimist at heart.

I will stick with a manufacturer or retailer if I like their products/service.

Gloomy weather makes me happy.

My music taste is stuck in the 80’s.

I once won a roller-skating limbo contest. Don’t laugh – it was the 80’s.

I’ve toured Europe by myself (recommended)

I’ve toured Europe with a 1 year old (not recommended)

I met dozens of famous people in a previous job I had (again – it was the 80’s so most of them have died from cocaine overdoses by now)

I’ve donated platelets 4 times to bone marrow transplant patients– twice to total strangers.

I’ve worked at the same company for 20 years.

I lie about how long I’ve worked at the same company. When my last anniversary came up – I had people convinced it was a typo in the newsletter.

I hate my job. I’m not complaining about my employer – they have treated me very well. But I’m tired of this place.

I’ve flown a plane. I didn’t like it.

I was surprised I didn’t like flying – I love driving and controlling machinery.

I am not particularly close to my family.

I enjoy making jokes when people are taking a drink and trying to get them to spit out their nose.

The most important person in my life is my daughter.

The person who seems to be able to see into my soul is my daughter. She sees the real me. I’m not sure others can.

I was in a horrible car crash 22 years ago. My (then) sister in law was disfigured. She still has difficulty walking.

I was not driving the car in the above accident – my brother was. The other driver was drunk – but I’m the only person who knows that it was actually my brother’s fault (other than my brother). He was never blamed because of the drunk driver. This drove a wedge between us.

I love fowl. Chicken – turkey – duck – whatever. If it had wings, I’ll eat it (excluding insects and penguins).

I love Indian food.

I don’t have deep roots in the US. I’m first the generation born in the US on my dad’s side, and second on my mom’s.

My parents are what some would call “inter-racial” – especially for the time in which they got married. Think Ricky and Lucy.

Everybody assumes I’m Italian. I’m not.

I’m passionate about cars.

I build my own computers. And they kick f*cking ass.

I hate talking on the phone. Especially cell phones. I have 7700 rollover minutes.

Thank god my data plan is unlimited (both cell and home) – otherwise I would be broke.

Oops – I am broke L

I never had a grandfather – they both died before I was born.

I couldn’t walk as a toddler. I wore braces on my legs until I was 5 (run Forrest, run!).

I’m not a fan of chat rooms or IM. I prefer email.

That being said – I am becoming addicted to Grindr.

I’m 6 feet tall, thin build, brown hair, brown eyes, light complexion.

I love roller coasters and other thrill rides.

I love a nice long drive. It clears my mind.

I’ve voted in every election (municipal, state, & national level) since I registered to vote at age 18.

I’ve been called for jury duty 4 times – and have never been selected. I would like to experience being on a jury once.

I’m very picky about my bed sheets.

Exclusive

2010-05-16T23:57:00.001-07:00

I have two “friends with benefits”. That might be a nice way of putting it – really both relationships are light on the friendship side, and a bit more focused on the benefits side. I mean – we’re really not friends. We don’t go grab a drink together. We don’t go to movies. We don’t talk about current events. But from time to time, I get an email from one of them, and we work out a time to meet. You can imagine the rest.

In my last post, I mentioned that I went out on a real date. We haven’t had a second date yet, be are planning one soon. At this point, there are no ‘benefits’. We did put all of our cards on the table. I was completely honest about my FWBs/FBs. My date didn’t seem to mind. He told some very personal facts about himself.

So that’s a total of three guys that I have some kind of a relationship with – however minor or shallow or new they may be.

Tonight I got an email from Jimmy. We were planning on meeting up last week, but I never heard from him. He had emailed me to explain why. He had a family issue that he needed to take care of. Understood. Life happens.

But he said something disturbing at the end of his email. He said “hopefully u haven’t found someone else….”

Excuse me? Are we exclusive? Did I miss that memo? I didn’t think we had any kind of arrangement other than he emails me about once every week or two and we get together. I didn’t realize there was any expectation of exclusivity. We’ve never talked about it. I even got the impression from Jimmy that there are others. He once mentioned someone else – so I figured I wasn’t his only “dick in a glass”. You know – in case of emergency, break glass.

The last thing I need to do is figure out how to break up with an FB. I guess I could Google it. If more than three people have done it, there’s bound to be a guide somewhere. “Loosing Your F*ck Buddy For Dummies” I’ll check Barnes and Noble. I wonder what section that would be in? Self help?

I didn’t answer Jimmy’s question. I did answer his email, but I ignored the question. Well – it wasn’t really a question, was it? It was a statement. No need for me to answer it. But I could have honestly responded by saying “No – I haven’t found someone else.” That’s because I already had someone else.

Okay – funny Grindr story. Last night there was this really really hot guy on Grindr. I looked at his profile and it said “Porn Star based in Vegas” I thought ‘yeah right.’ But he had his name in his profile, so I googled him. Sure enough – the guy has his own web site, and he’s a porn star based in Vegas. But this could be any jerk who stole the guy’s picture off the web. So I added him as a favorite, just for kicks. Well tonight he’s a few hundred miles away. I made a radial map, and that put him in Vegas. Still might not be the real porn star – who knows. I wonder what he was doing 5 miles from my house.

Stalked

2010-05-12T00:20:00.003-07:00

Sorry – I haven’t posted anything in a while.

Its official – the word “grindr” has over taken the word “nun” as the most popular search engine word used to find my blog. I’ve yet to have anyone search for both grindr and nun in the same querie, but I have my fingers crossed.

Speaking of grindr – here’s a creepy grindr story: A few weeks ago someone sent me a message on grindr. He wasn’t really my type – but I try to be polite (sometimes) – so I answered him. We had a little chat, and it appeared that he might be interested in meeting up. An interest I did not share with him. He told me he was an EMT and described his job. Several times he hinted at going out together – he asked me if I like sushi (I don’t). So that didn’t work for him. Then he asked me if I liked Mexican food (I do). But I didn’t reply saying “lets go wash some enchiladas down with margaritas” – so he let that one go. Then he asked me what type of guy I’m interested in. So I described someone who was very much unlike him (physically). He then says “Yeah – you and the rest of the world. I guess I’m doomed to be single for the rest of my life!” Okay – I’m just chatting with you to be polite – I’m not your therapist, so relax.

We did chat a little bit more – and I guess it became apparent that I had no interest in meeting him. Probably because I told him I had no interest in meeting him. But we continued to chat off and on for a few days. Friendly stuff.

So around the same time – I saw the profile that intrigued me. The guy was offline, so I made him a favorite so I could grindr stalk him (it’s just a term – I didn’t stalk him). A day or so later – he still hadn’t been online, so I sent him a message. For those of you unfamiliar with grindr – it will deliver the message to him the next time he launches the application. In the message I said something like “hey – nice profile. If you ever want to grab a drink or something, I’m down for that.” I know – real slick, huh? Well – it worked. Two days later I get a reply from this guy – he says sure, lets meet up for a drink. I was online at the time, so we started to chat. We kind of hit it off chatting – there seemed to be some kind of chemistry. So we exchanged phone numbers and made plans to meet for a drink the next week. Cool.

So we meet – and it’s like a real date. With a guy. Wow – I’ve never been on a date with a guy. I haven’t really been on a “date” in like 11 years. Weird. But it’s going pretty well – again, there seems to be a chemistry between us. We both seem to be having a good time, no awkward breaks in the conversation. As he said – we seemed to cut through the bullshit and have a meaningful conversation.

All of this takes place at a couple of downtown bars (we had to move to a new bar in the middle of the date because the first bar was too loud, making it difficult to talk). So we end up on the patio of the second bar. We were both hungry, so we ordered dinner. During the conversation, grindr comes up as a topic, so we both launch it on our phones – and we compare grindr notes. I know – geeks.

So I’m sitting there, on a date, at a bar, on the patio – which faces a street. There’s a parking lot across the street. All of the sudden my phone buzzes. It’s a grindr notification – someone has sent me a message. I look at the message, and it’s the EMT guy. He says “Wow – you’re close. You must be on a date because you’re having dinner close to me.”

Creepy! I started to slowly scan the parking lot – looking for an old run down van with a lonely man behind the wheel – holding an iPhone. Luckily I didn’t see that.

So I replied. I said yes – I was on a date, and I couldn’t talk right now. He replied that he knew it – and to have a nice time on my date.

So how did he know I was on a date? Let’s assume for a second that he deduced that I was on a date by his assumption of my location based on the distance that grindr said I was from him. Okay – so maybe he was 2.5 miles from the downtown bars, and grindr said I was 2.5 miles away. He adds two and two and gets four.

But it was 11pm. On a Tuesday. People in Phoenix generally don’t eat that late on a weekday. So it would be pretty presumptuous to assume that I was eating dinner 11pm – even though I was. It’s also a stretch to assume I’m on a date. Maybe I went to a bar because I’m a drunk and I’m tired of drowning my sorrows alone in my pathetic little room.

So was this guy stalking me for real? Did he follow me? Or he found my approximate location using grindr (which can be done with a little bit of effort). Drove by. Saw me sitting on the patio, eating fish and chips while seated at a table with an attractive man, who happened to be eating a hamburger. He read our body language, and deduced that we were on a date.

Remember – he’s an EMT, not a cop.

I realize I’m probably being way too paranoid here. He probably made some off the cuff remark, and he happened to be right. Either way – it still freaked me out. Since then, I’ve selected “Hide Distance” in my grindr profile, just in case.

EMT guy did message me the next day – asking how my date went. I told him it was fine. That was the end of our conversation – and we haven’t spoken since.

As far as the date – that went really well. I don’t care to elaborate too much here – but I will say that we have a lot in common. We plan on going out again. We did not hookup (old fashioned, eh?) And I was surprised at how comfortable I was on a date with a man at two straight bars. Okay – one other funny little story – the first bar we went to that evening was having a Harley Davidson club meeting. We walk in and the hostess seats us at a table. My date looks at me and says “Are we safe here? We do look a little out of place.” He had a point. All of the other men in the bar looked like tough bikers. But then again – so did all of the women, so I figured a lesbian or two would probably come to our rescue if something went down.

Plus – we were in Arizona. Everybody’s too busy trying to throw the Mexicans out to worry about a couple of fags in a biker bar.

5 on 5th May

2010-05-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

Here's my contribution for Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

Stephen's suggested theme was A Journey

A Journey Begins

Riding on the Metro

Limo Service

A Quiet Destination

Final Journey

Best Friend

2010-04-27T00:06:00.004-07:00

I haven’t written a post talking about my past in a while. I think I’ve been having a memory block. But the other day I was talking to my wife about friends, and I thought of my best friend from high school. So maybe this is worth a post.

I’m having a hard time coming up with a pseudonym for him. His real name fits his personality so well, that nothing else does him justice. You see – his name is perfect for a pompous son of a bitch. But I really don’t want to use his real name here, so I’m going to pick something random. How about Roger? Good? Roger that.

I met Roger on the first day of kindergarten. He was an odd looking kid – he had a huge head and face, buck teeth, and he was all freckled. What seemed odd about this strange looking kid was that he had all the confidence in the world. It’s as if he believed that everyone was staring at him in sheer awe, when in actuality they were saying to each other “get a load of that gargantuan cranium!” To quote a line from the movie “So I Married an Axe Murder”: “His head is so big, it has its own weather system.”

I remember one day seeing him riding in a car on the street I lived on. Being a car buff – I recognized the car from a few streets away, and I knew the house.   The next day at school I asked him if that was his car. He confirmed it was. I said “I know where you live – you live very close to me.” He responded “You better stay away from my house. I have snapping turtles – and they attack anyone who comes by. They can kill you.” I had always suspected he was full of himself – but now I knew it was actually shit he was full of. What I did notice – early on – was that Roger always got even more confident in his speech when he said something that seemed unlikely to be true. Over the course of a year or two I was able to confirm this. Anytime Roger lied – he got really cocky. Easy enough – instant lie detector.

We attended the same school for Kindergarten and 1st grade. For 2nd grade my mother had the great wisdom to send me to Catholic school. If you haven’t read my previous posts on the subject – that last sentence is pure sarcasm. For the first year or two of Catholic school I managed to get some kind of ride to and from school. Sometime in 3rd or 4th grade the rides stopped – and I started taking the city bus. Low and behold – who do I see at the bus stop in the morning? Yep – it’s Roger. Great. More colorful stories. His mother had enrolled him in a Baptist school. So we ended up riding the same city bus to school everyday – and frequently the same city bus home after school.

By the time I was in 8th grade, I managed to talk my mom into letting me go to a public middle school. So I didn’t see Roger anymore. My life was simpler – I didn’t have to pretend like I believed the crap that came out of his mouth.

9th grade was high school – so off I went to another school. I walk into my freshman English class – and there’s Roger.

Once again he latched on to me. Probably because everyone else couldn’t stand him. You would have thought that he would have grown into that planetoid of a head by now – but no. It actually grew with him – keeping him disproportionate. He still had buck teeth – but now he had giant braces on them. Like they weren’t obvious enough before – let’s cover them with some glittering metal. That’ll help things.

Roger and I actually became friends. It worked. I was the quiet one, he was the asshole. But since it was easy to tell when he was lying (about 40 to 50% of the time) – he made for a pretty decent friend.    We had a few other ancillary friends – one was a stoner, one was a goth, one was a jock. This is starting to sound The Breakfast Club, isn’t it? But the core friendship was Roger and I. We were there for each other.

So I should talk about orientation here – since that is the subject of my blog. At this point it was obvious to me that I was attracted to boys. I think it was obvious to everyone else, that Roger was attracted to boys. He was fairly dramatic – all those elaborate stories he made up had a certain flair. But according to Roger – he was straight. And maybe that was true – I don’t know. I wasn’t planning on finding out – big head, buck teeth, braces, somewhat asymmetrical – none of that was appealing to me. Note to all you younger guys out there – find yourself a nice ugly friend.   Everyone will remember you as the cute one.

I was 100% in the closet at this point – so I never spoke to Roger about being gay. I didn’t date in high school – but that was true for a lot of kids. Obviously Roger didn’t date either. I mean – seriously?

By our junior year (11th grade) I had a car. Roger didn’t. I don’t think his mom would let him get his license. So I chauffeured him all over the place. We got in a bit of trouble – like any teens with a car will. By senior year – he had gotten his license and was driving the same car that I saw him in when we were in Kindergarten. It was a real piece of crap at this point. He made the mistake of showing me how the headlights would turn off if you slammed a door really hard. So every time we were out at night and I saw a police car – I would do just that. That would cause him to start cursing while he would slam his door rapidly until they turned back on. Stupid kid stuff.

Generally I would drive – because he was a horrible driver. Plus my car was nicer.   The headlights stayed on regardless of the position of the doors. I remember one time we were in his bucket of crap – I was reading something, not paying attention to what he was doing. All of the sudden he yells “SHIT!!” – and then I hear loud screeching noises. I look up to see us sliding sideways through an intersection. He had missed a stop sign and pulled out into the middle of a main street from a side street. We were almost killed. Good times.

Eventually graduation came by. We both had jobs at this point. Roger had always said that his parents were going to sell their house and move away when he graduated. Although he didn’t get cocky when he said this – I never really believed that they would do that. Until about a month before graduation, when I saw the for sale sign in front of the house. They closed on the house a few weeks after graduation – and Roger had to get a place of his own. They had purchased an RV were going to live in that as they moved nomadically around North America.

This was perplexing. See – Roger was planning on going to the local university. He didn’t have a scholarship – so it would be difficult to do on his own. But they packed up and left, just like they said they would. They didn’t offer to help him financially. They just got in their RV and drove off.

Roger got a really crappy apartment in a not so nice part of town. Luckily – he had a full time job. He did try to go to college – but it didn’t work out with his work schedule. So eventually he dropped out. About every two months or so his parents would call – to tell him what part of the continent they were on. They would have a meaningless two or three minute conversation – and then they hung up.

The strangest part of all of this – Roger was adopted as an infant. They chose him. He wasn’t a surprise baby to them. They made an effort to adopt him – and doing so made a pledge to him, as well as the local agencies, to take care of him. And they did – to a point. I guess the contract said until he was 18 or graduated from high school – whichever came last. Because they ran as soon as they could.

Roger had a string of problems over the next few years – alcoholism, disastrous relationships, a DWI. He lost his car when that happened – so he was back to riding the city bus for a few years. We were still friends – although he did have a new group of friends that didn’t rub me the right way.

He had always talked about how he would never have kids – since nobody really wanted kids anyway (he learned this from personal experience). He had this horrible bitch of a girlfriend – and she ended up pregnant. She had a miscarriage a few months into it – but apparently the switch had been thrown, and Roger wanted to be a daddy. Luckily he realized that this girl was wrong for him, and dumped her. A few months later he called me to tell me he was going to Vegas to get married. He met a new girl – and they were in love. I was skeptical. He asked me to be his best man. At first I said I couldn’t. But then my sister talked me into going. I called him back – and he was excited that I was going to go.

His fiancé was a very nice girl. Much nicer than anyone else he had every dated. I was impressed. I was the only person who attended the wedding. They had invited his fiancé’s sister – but she couldn’t make it. Since they were eloping – no one else knew they were getting married.

Shortly after the wedding – I remember them calling the brides parents to tell them. Then they systematically called the rest of her brothers and sisters, one by one, with the happy news.

But they didn’t call Rogers parents. At one point I asked him if he was going to call them. “No – they’ll find out when they call next month.”

It didn’t take long for them to get pregnant – and they had a little boy. He was cute – but to be honest, his head was freakin’ HUGE.   A few years after that they had a little girl. From what I can tell – he’s happy. And I’m really glad for him. He finally has a real family.

Roger and I stayed close after his wedding - about once a week we would talk to each other on the phone. Either he would call me – or I would call him. We didn’t have a set schedule – but it worked somehow. About once a month or so we would go do something together.

Then I moved to Phoenix. We were about 27 at the time. I called him – but frequently he wasn’t home. He never returned my calls. Every once in a while I would actually find him at home – and we would talk like old times. But he never called me. I started to feel like I was the only one putting any effort into the friendship – and started calling less and less frequently. The last few times I called – I talked to his wife. She told me more about his situation than he did. He’s had cancer twice since I moved. He never mentioned it to me. When I did talk to him last – I brought it up. He was clearly uncomfortable talking to me about it. It was like a wall had been built. It appears I broke the cardinal rule with Roger – I abandoned him by moving away.

It’s been about two years since I last talked to him. I feel bad about that.

If you were thinking that this post had a point – it doesn’t. I apologize for that.

GRINDR

2010-04-23T17:25:00.002-07:00

I've been using GRINDR a bit more recently. I even added my photo - and it's strange having people you don't know from Adam looking at your pic and judging you. But that's what I do when I'm on GRINDR, so I figured why not let others do the same.

So I'll list some of my funnier stories using the application.

Funny GRINDR Story #1:
Last Sunday I was on my way back from downtown Phoenix after the Pride Festival. I had taken the Phoenix light rail to the event. The train passes right through the Arizona State University campus. I had nothing better to do to occupy my time, so I was checking out guys on GRINDR. Why not enjoy the view, right?

I have a tendency to take screen shots of the hotter guys - just for fun. So as I was clicking the two buttons to capture this one guy (who was totally un-realistic for me) - the phone buzzed and a little red circle with a "1" in it appears next to his photo. This means he's messaging me. According to his profile - he was 19.

Holy crap! This guy is messaging me. Now - at the time, I didn't have an image posted, so I was most likely the closest homosexual to this guy. That's why he messaged me - not for my rugged manly good looks.

Here's the conversation:

Hot ASU guy: Hey
Me: Hey
Hot ASU guy: What's up?
Me: Not much, How about u?
Hot ASU guy: Same here. Just chillin. U have a pic?
Me: Yeah - but I'm too old for you.
Hot ASU guy: How old?
Me: 40
Hot ASU guy: Ah - ok
Me: Yeah - I'm probably the same age as your dad. Anyway, nice talking 2 ya.
Hot ASU guy: Yeah you too

Funny GRINDR Story #2:
A less masculine looking guy who's 23 messages me (what is up with these young guys?) - at this point I've added my photo, so he has some idea who he's dealing with.

Fabulous 23yo: Anyone ever tell you that you look like Carson Daly?
Me: Yeah - a few times. Is that a good thing? I never thought he looked all that good.
Fabulous 23yo: He's cute
Me: Oh - so thanks then.

So now you guys have Carson Daly's face burned in your brain when you think of me. Nice. I guess I do kind of look like him. Could have been worse. He could have asked me if anyone ever told me I look like Clint Howard.

Funny GRINDR Story #3:
I've been having some battery problems with my iPhone lately. It's been getting progressively worse over the last few weeks. I know that GRINDR takes some serious battery resources, but my phone has been having problems, whether I'm on GRINDR or not. So today I made an appointment at the Genius Bar in the Apple Store to have it checked out.

So the tech was pretty nice - he asked me a bunch of questions about my usage, how often I reset it, how often I charge it, how long it can last between charges (not long!), etc... Then he says "well, we can run a diagnostic on it, if you would like". I said why not.

So he plugged into a laptop. About two seconds later he says "well, it appears to be charging fine. There are no issues physically with the battery. But GRINDR keeps running in the background and is causing your battery to drain prematurely. Have you been having problems with GRINDR?"

At this point I was looking at those light wood tables - trying to pick which one I could crawl under and hide. Oh my god. I didn't have a problem with the guy thinking I'm gay - but the application he's talking about is for hooking up. And I'm sure he knows it. I'm pretty sure this guy was gay, too.

Then he starts asking me how often I use GRINDR, if it ever locks up when I use it, does it ever exit while I'm using it. Etc, etc, etc.

So he told me to restore the phone as a new phone and it should be good.

I couldn't get out of that store fast enough. At least he'll have a funny story to share with his friends. It'll go something like this: "Hey - I'm pretty sure Carson Daly was in the store today. His iPhone was screwed up cause he uses GRINDR too much. I thought he was straight."

Have a good weekend everyone!

Pride

2010-04-18T22:26:00.003-07:00

I went to the Phoenix Pride Festival this weekend. Had a blast. I've never been to a Pride event before - so it was a little interesting. But overall - it wasn't that different from a regular festival or other event, except for the fact that many of the people are barely dressed. And some of them are wearing interesting clothes/make-up/glitter.

I didn't talk to anyone on the first day - but today I talked to a few different people. One was a hetero couple - they were married. But apparently after they had been married for a while, she told him she liked chicks, and he said that's cool, cause I like guys. Huh. Kind of like my situation, but in stereo. I guess that makes me a mono-gay. Or maybe the correct term is monohomo. I'm not sure how that should be pronounced - you could have some fun changing the emphasis from syllable to syllable.

Anyway - this couple was a little different. He didn't say much - and I think he's still a bit closeted. They were probably in their late 40's. No kids. But she had no problem talking about the most intimate details of their lives. Like how they basically have gay sex with each other within their heterosexual marriage. She straps one on and goes to town on him. Okay then.

I also talked to a male gay couple for a little while - so that brought things back to normal.

But the highlight of the festival was seeing Berlin perform. I am a huge HUGE HUGE Berlin fan. And I'm a big fan of Teri Nunn - so being like 40 feet away from her was f***ing awesome! Beleive it or not - I used to have the hots for Teri Nunn. I used to get a boner every time this video on MTV (I was 14 - so it didn't take much back then)

And here she is today (literally today - like 2.5 hours ago):

Also - did I mention the eye candy? OMG. Seriously - OMG. Why can't we have Pride like once monthly? I tried to take some pictures, but generally don't have the balls to snap shots of people. I did get a few.

Here's a good example (he's not the hottest - but still a pretty decent looking guy). But see - he's forgotten his shirt and pants, the poor unfortunate man. Note - I appear to be busted taking his picture. Oops. Also note the guy in the Broke Straight Boys shirt (it's an adult web site - if you didn't already know that) shopping for cheaper car insurance. Just a few more BSB scenes and he'll be able to register his '92 Cavalier.

Seacrest out.

Clarification

2010-04-13T14:14:00.001-07:00

I was recently asked by TwoLives why I stayed in the closet so long. His questions was in reference to a comment I made on JSL’s blog:

My experience coming out to my wife was a positive one. I can't describe in words the feeling - the incredible weight being lifted off of me. Finally free. Finally me. No more hiding. No more shame.

I answered him – and I guess my email answer explains things a bit better than my blog post had. So to clear things up a bit for my readers – here is my response:

Why was I in the closet for so many years? I guess you could say I was comfortable in the closet. If I knew coming out was going to be this easy - I would have done it years ago. Actually - I don't know. I was happy in my marriage for a long time. We pretty much stopped having sex like three or four years ago. And before that - we rarely had sex. And it wasn't me - I was all for having sex. She didn't want to.

So something traumatic happened to us in July last year - and after that it was like a switch was flipped. I was no longer able to ignore all the things that seemed strange, or pissed me off in our marriage. So I spent the next few months reflecting on things - and I came to the realization that I wasn't happy - and couldn't do this anymore. It seemed to me that we were both miserable - we didn't really talk anymore. We avoided each other as much as we could. We never went out. Never did anything fun. Sex was non existent. We seemed to be angry at each other all the time. And for no apparent reason. I think we just fell out of love and continued on autopilot for a few years.

[Edit: I removed a paragraph from my email message that wasn't relevant to this conversation]
I came out to my wife at this point - which I mentioned in my first post on this blog - so there are a few more details there.

Then I came out to some people at work - and that went pretty well. I still haven't come out to my family - and I'm not looking forward to that. I'm going to do it - pretty much because I have no choice now. I can't live the life I want to without coming out to everyone. Coming out to my wife may be the best thing I've ever done - at least for me.

If I could go back in time - I don't know if I would do things any differently. I have a beautiful little girl - and she's the most amazing person I've ever met.

Hopefully that makes sense – some things may be a little out of context since I didn’t copy the email in its entirety. Feel free to ask questions via comments or email.

Repeat Business

2010-04-09T23:14:00.001-07:00

Three weeks ago I blogged about some encounters that I had that week. I thought I would give a little update.

Since then three of the guys have contacted me – all interested in meeting up again. I’ve actually met up with two of them, and haven’t with the third – mostly because of logistical issues. I guess I’ll need to give these guys names for this post, otherwise it will get too confusing. We’ll call the first guy Casey. He’s in his late 20’s, cute. Tall and with a thin build. Blond. In my last post I described the sex as amazing (it was). I also said “too bad, cause I’ll probably never meet him again”. Never say never.

Casey emailed me about a week after our initial meeting – looking to meet up again. So we did. Once again, it was amazing. I knew from Facebook stalking him that he had a boyfriend. A week after our second meeting, he emailed me again. This time I declined, saying I had to work (true). I also told him that I really enjoyed being with him – but that it wasn’t going to work out because he lives too far away, and the times that he is available don’t sync up so well with my free time. This is true – it was a pain to have to drive almost an hour each way to meet him.

I never mentioned Martin in my last post – because I had yet to meet him when I wrote it. He’s in his late 30’s, nice looking, European. We met at his apartment. I think he lives alone. Martin and I had a lot of fun. As I left his place, I didn’t get a good vibe – I thought maybe he wasn’t too thrilled with things. I figured I wouldn’t hear from him. But two weeks later I got an email from him. We’ve been playing email tag for a few weeks, made plans twice, but had to cancel. We’re planning on meeting next week.

The last guy I’ll call Jimmy. Because that’s his name. I guess I should describe him – he’s in his mid 30’s, really cute face, pretty decent body, brown hair. I like Jimmy. He makes me laugh. He has no problem talking about any subject – and I think his life is an open book. He’s a genuinely nice guy. Jimmy and I have met a total of three times now - as recent as Thursday night. He also has his own place, and it’s not too far away, so it’s convenient. But there’s something about Jimmy – I can’t explain it, but if this guy was interested in a “real” relationship – I’d be willing to pursue it. I thought about this before I met him on Thursday. I wondered if it would be smart to bridge the subject. Or would it make things awkward?

So we were talking for a bit before I left – and I said “Hey – I wanted to say – I like the arrangement we have, and I don’t want to mess anything up, but if you ever want to grab a drink or something, that’d be nice.” He looked like a deer in headlights for like three seconds. Oops.

His response was hard to read. I get the impression that he’s happy with things the way they are – and isn’t looking for a boyfriend. I hope I didn’t ruin things. But you know – if I did, that’s fine. You have to put yourself out there and take a chance every now and then. Otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels.

Bloggers

2010-04-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

I've recently started following a new blog - and it really strikes a cord with me, since we have been following a similar path for most of our lives. JSL is a gay (or bi - sorry JSL if I'm misrepresenting here) blogger from jolly old England that happens to be married to a woman. He has a great blog with lots of interesting things to say, so please go check it out http://2-l8-4-regrets.blogspot.com/ He says he looks a lot younger than his age, but he's yet to provide any photographic evidence of the sort. Come to think of it - I haven't provided any photographic evidence, either. Hmm.

And for those of you who followed the Australian blogger formerly known as ChosenLifeForeva - currently known as Wellzy.Boo - he's got a new blog, since the old one was somehow destroyed. So go check him out at http://www.thislifeforeva.blogspot.com/ If you followed him before, update your bookmarks. If you didn't, then you've been missing out. Oh - and he makes all these really cool facial expressions with punctuation marks - you've got to see it (~.~) (^.^) (O.o)

5 on the Fifth

2010-04-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

I thought I would participate in Stephen's 5 on the Fifth this month. Be sure to check out Stephen's blog for links to other 5 on the Fifth participants.

I went with one of Stephen's suggested themes - Spring

Coutryard

Bougainville

Second St

Siamese

Sunroof

Step 1 of 2

2010-03-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

I told my parents that we're getting a divorce.

My parents are in town for a few days visiting some relatives. It's practically a mini family reunion for my mom's side of the family. The last remaining sibling of my grandmother is in town - he's 88. He and his wife are visiting their son and granddaughters. Plus one of their daughters flew in with them. And another of my cousins lives close by. So we all went to dinner on Sunday evening. There were 8 of us who are descendants of my great grandmother. But that's another story on it's own.

So tonight - my wife took my daughter to karate class. My mom is never one to put off eating dinner for too long - so my mom and dad and I went to dinner without them. I thought that this would be a good time to tell them about the divorce, since my daughter wouldn't be around. Once we got in the restaurant, I changed my mind. I didn't want my mom to break down emotionally in public. So I waited until the drive home. Actually - I waited until we were in the driveway at my house. I told them not to get out of the car yet because I needed to tell them something.

Instantly my mom turned gray and looked away with a blank stare. My dad, being practically deaf, said "what are we doing?!?!" After a few minutes trying to explain that I was trying to talk to them my dad understood and leaned forward in his seat.

"We're splitting up"

"Oh no" my dad says from the backseat.

My mom turned away from me, trying to keep composed. Surprisingly, she was successful.

So I explained our current plans for custody, living arrangements, etc.

"Can I ask why?" my mom questions.

I was really surprised she asked this. I didn't think she would. She is pretty intrusive, but she does draw the line at some point, and I thought that she would, at least for now, not want to delve into such matters.

"There's several factors, and it's quite complicated" I answered.

"Oh" she replied. Which translates into "I see - you're saying it's none of my business"

I told them that it's probably not for the reasons they would think. My mom said "obviously not - because I have no idea why". I told her that I didn't want her to think that my wife had done something to bring this on. I don't want my mom to harbor ill feelings towards my wife. Just a little background info for you all - my brother is on wife #3 - and my mom absolutely hates his ex wives. I don't want my wife to be lumped in with them.

After our talk in the car we went in the house - where my wife and daughter were. My parents did a good job acting like nothing happened.

So I didn't tell them I'm gay. Not yet. I'm not ready. They may not be ready. We'll let the divorce sink in, and then we'll see.

Bars

2010-03-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

I found myself bored on Tuesday, so I went to a gay bar that evening. It was just a block away from my hotel. At first it was pretty slow – there were maybe 15 or 20 people there. Apparently they have bingo on Tuesdays – it’s run by a couple of drag queens. I was probably the only person in the bar who didn’t buy a bingo card. Nobody paid any attention to me – so I started playing with my iPhone. I guess I got fairly engrossed in it, because after about a half hour I looked up to find that they were playing Lady Gaga’s Telephone video. The whole place was focused on the giant TV screen. I was the only person in the bar not watching it. I guess I’m a bad gay – I like Lady Gaga, but I don’t drop everything I’m doing when she comes on the TV or radio. They almost revoked my membership card.

So I pretended to be interested in the video to prevent being ejected from the bar. Once it was over, I went back to my own little iPhone world. A bit later the waiter came by to see if I needed another drink (I did) – and I noticed that someone had joined me at my table. He ordered another drink also. So I asked him what he was drinking, and we started to talk. He was from Saudi Arabia. Nice kid in town for spring break. I was surprised when he said he was out to his family. We talked for a bit about all kinds of things – but mostly about where we’ve been on our travels. Eventually we made it outside to the patio so he could smoke. By this time it was getting late, and the bar was closing soon. As we were talking someone grabbed my ass. I turned around and the only person within grabbing distance was this young twink. He looked at me and said “I didn’t touch you”. So I smiled and said “okay”. He then said an entire sentence to me – none of which I understood, gave me a hug, and walked away.

So I turned to my new Arab friend and said “He’s had enough to drink”. “Apparently” he replied.

As the bar closed, the Arab guy and I exchanged phone numbers and went on our ways.

Friday night was the monthly gay dad’s group “dad’s night out” event. There were a lot less people in attendance than before – but still it was fun. I met a few new people. I talked to someone whose story was almost identical to mine. We compared notes for a while.

Eventually a partnered couple showed up – and I’ve gone out with these guys before. They’re the life of the party. So they kidnapped me. First we went to pick up a female friend of theirs. Then we went to a bar in downtown that was having a drag show. I haven’t been to a drag show in many years – pretty much because I don’t find them interesting. And again – it’s not really my thing. The headliner was pretty talented – but still, this really isn’t a form of entertainment that I find appealing. After the show she (he?) and I were talking, and she mentioned to me that Berlin was going to be playing at Phoenix pride in a few weeks. I love Berlin (and all things 80’s) – so she says “wait here a minute”. She returned with a page she ripped out of a magazine with the ad for Berlin’s concert. So now I have to go to that.

On an even weirder note – a different drag queen picked up on me. Yeah. That was strange. I mean – I know she’s a guy under all the makeup and wig, but still. Not only that – but I have no idea what the guy actually looks like.

Eventually the five of us (me, my two gay partnered friends, their female friend, and the drag queen who picked up on me) moved to a different bar. I like this bar because the clientele is hot. It’s always crazy busy on a Friday night. It’s a pretty big place, with three separate dance floors. We had a lot of fun – but as the night wore on, I got more and more tired. I’m too old for this shit. While we were there three different guys picked up on me. None of them my type – but it was flattering.

My Week

2010-03-16T18:43:00.001-07:00

Most of the events in my life are not worthy of mention in a blog post.

As with most people – my daily routine consists of such mundane things as getting up and going to work, stopping by the grocery store on the way home, picking up my daughter from school, doing the dishes, cleaning the cat box. You know – all the glamorous stuff we do every day.

This week is spring break, so my daughter is out of school. We shipped her off to my parent’s house – because they love to have her, and she enjoys staying with them. So I drove her to the half way point between my place and my folks, where I met my mom and dad. We had lunch, and then they headed off to their house with my daughter, while I went back home.

The 3 ½ hour drive back was fun for me, because the road twists through the mountains. Usually I have my wife and daughter with me, so I have to behave, but this time it was just me. Traffic was light to non-existent, so I carved up the road the best I could. About half of the trip back home is a two-lane road, the second half is a four lane divided highway – but still pretty twisty and through the mountains. I actually flew past a pack of guys on crotch rockets at one point.

Here are a couple pics of the scenery I snapped on my phone. Phoenix may be a hell on earth – but you don’t have to drive more than an hour to find something like this:

So since I don’t have the normal parental responsibilities this week – I thought I would take advantage of the situation and take a vacation from work. So I turned spring break week into NewLeaf week. So far it’s been pretty good. And it’s only Tuesday.

Since having intimate situations with other men can be difficult when you still live with your (soon to be ex)spouse - I booked a room at a hotel in downtown Scottsdale. And – as usual – I went about finding someone with the help of the internet. I’ve used Craigslist in the past off and on – with mixed results. It was the first stop on my gay sex escapade six months ago – and it’s helped me several times since then, but occasionally I end up with an empty email inbox when using CL. I’m not sure why. But luckily, this time, it’s turned out to be quite useful.

So useful in fact – that I’ve taken a vacation from my vacation today. I’m just too tired.

Like I’ve said in the past – I don’t want to turn my blog into a sex romp – but there are some things I need to talk about here. So here I go.

The first guy I met up with was on Saturday evening. He was in his early 30’s, good looking. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he looks much better in person than he does in photos. Yet another guy who needs to get better pictures of himself. He lives alone – so we met as his place. He’s in the middle of remodeling, and he gave me the grand tour of the place. He’s doing a nice job, too. Then we sat and watched TV for a while and talked. That’s a first for a CL hookup for me. Eventually things progressed to the bedroom – where everything went quite well.

On Sunday I met this guy who said he was in his late 20’s. He also lived alone, so we met at his apartment. He was rather talkative – which I don’t mind, but we didn’t click otherwise. Well, things didn’t click for me, but I think they did for him. Why is it that it’s always the guys that you don’t like who really like you? Anyway – these thing can’t always go well, right? Oh – and his photos were much better than the real thing.

Monday part one: I checked into my hotel and set about finding someone online. It took and hour or so to have something scheduled. This guy had quite the body, too. He was visiting from another country – and English isn’t his first language. Which doesn’t really pose a problem when you’re only interested in sex. :) So we did our thing and everything went well. Afterwards there were a few small communication issues during some small talk – but who the hell cares, right? Everybody left happy.

Monday part two: I wasn’t planning on having a part two on Monday. While I was with the guy on Sunday, I had gotten an email from someone I found intriguing. So on Monday I replied, thinking I’d lost him since I didn’t reply soon enough (Craigslist etiquette 101). Low and behold – he responded. So I thought maybe we could line something up for Tuesday. But he was looking for Monday night after he got off work, which was around 11pm or so. We emailed back and forth a bunch of times through the evening – which was kind of sexy. He ended up having to stay late at work – and didn’t get home until after midnight. So technically it was Tuesday when we met up – but it still felt like Monday. So this guy was in his late twenties. Cute, tall, thin. Nice body. Sexually – it was amazing. AMAZING. Too bad – cause I’ll probably never meet the guy again. First of all – he lives way too far away for this to be a regular thing. Next – he’s got a boyfriend. Oops. He didn’t tell me that. I was doing a little online stalking (yes – that’s right – I cyber stalk), and I found his Facebook page. Right there – on his Facebook page – he mentions his boyfriend. I suppose that’s who he was talking about when he said “I have to go pick up my friend tomorrow”. Note – there was a two second pause between the words “my” and “friend”. Honestly – this isn’t an issue for me. And for all I know – he and his BF may have an open relationship. Or maybe he’s just a little bastard who’s been with ½ of Phoenix while his boyfriend was looking the other way. Oh yeah – and he’s three years older than he said he was. Not that it mattered. I’m 6 years older than I said I was.

Yes – I know. I shouldn’t be meeting people like this. But remember – most of you guys have had a lot longer to figure out who you are and how you fit into the gay community. I haven’t. This is all so new to me. I’m just figuring out what kind of guys I’m into (and they’re not the same guys I pictured myself with before). It’s a learning process. I’m careful. Well – was careful as one can be when doing something as stupid as this. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I’ll hit Craigslist again.

School

2010-03-09T10:19:00.001-07:00

My mother decided that it would be better to send her children to catholic school. I’m not sure why – she went to catholic school herself, and from what I can tell, didn’t have any fond memories. Plus - it’s not like my mother is an academic success story. She even had to repeat the first grade, a fact that my grandmother relished in telling everyone. One thing that the nuns were somewhat successful in: converting my mother from left handed to right. Left handedness was evil, and had to be corrected. So to this day – my mother does everything with her left hand – except write.

So at the start of second grade, my mother pulled me out of public school, where I was content, and stuck me in a catholic school. The new school was several miles farther away from home, so I could no longer walk to school. For the first year or so, my mom would drop me off on her way to work, and either my brother or some neighbor would pick me up and take me home. By the third grade, I was taking a city bus to and from school.

I think my mom really believed that we would get a better education in a catholic school. What she didn’t realize at the time – the catholic school had no budget. Our text books were discarded books from the public schools – generally they were 20 years old. We had one old film projector, again a reject from the public school system. We didn’t have a school librarian – which was fine, because there was no library. Another issue with my catholic school was that kids that had been expelled from the public school system were welcomed – as long as their parents paid the tuition. So instead of being farther removed from bad influences – we sat next to them every day. Some of these kids had been expelled for being violent – apparently others were kleptomaniacs. Even the nuns were scared.

But what seemed worse than that was the teachers. We had some teachers who were not nuns. And honestly – I preferred the nuns. The nuns at least seemed qualified to teach. The non-nun contingent seemed like a bunch of idiots. Years later I found out why – the wife of one of my brother’s friends applied to be a public school teacher. She was rejected because she couldn’t pass the tests. So she went to the catholic school board – who hired her on the spot. It seems that the catholic schools would take all of the public school’s rejects.

But, all in all, I was fairly happy there. It didn’t really matter where I went to school. For most of my time there – I didn’t know I was gay. I suppose I was figuring it out the last two years there. Luckily I didn’t tell anyone at the school. They probably had a program for curing gayness – like one on one counseling with one of the priests. Oops – that wouldn’t work.

I went to a public high school. And although I can’t say that I was the most popular kid – or even the happiest kid – I do think that I fit in better there. I felt more at home. Maybe because it was a much larger place. It was far easier to blend in. To be unnoticed. Plus the guys were much better looking than at catholic school.

And now - "Here it comes!!":

Like Flies

2010-03-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

Several friends of my parents have died recently. It gets you thinking about how fragile life is. Granted, these people were all senior citizens, but none the less, it is a reminder of our own mortality.

The most recent death was a friend of my grandmothers. She was 94. To use some adjectives from her generation – she was a real firecracker. Sharp as a tack, too. As a matter of fact, while she was in her 80’s, she used to volunteer for an organization that would drive elderly people who couldn't drive themselves. So here was this 85 year old driving all the 70 year olds to their doctors appointments. She had a good life – and I’m sure she was a happy and fulfilled person. I last saw her about 7 months ago. I was pushing her wheelchair through a casino. Cause that's how I roll. Literally.

But I was struck by something when I heard the story of her death. She died alone. She suffered a small stroke while in her assisted-living apartment. The staff called 911 and she was transported by ambulance to a hospital. While in the ER, she suffered a massive stroke and died. No one from the care facility was there. No family. No friends, No neighbors. The only people around her were hospital staff. He husband and daughter had died years ago. He only other relatives, her son and several grandchildren, all live on the other side of the country.

Another recent passing was John. John and his wife Sharon were good friends of my parents. John was quite a tall man, with a large frame. Sharon is also very tall, especially for a woman. They had 7 children, all of whom share their large stature. John was a life long smoker (well – I think he finally quite a few years ago). So was Sharon. I don’t think either of them ever turned down a drink, either. He ended up living into his late 70’s – which I guess isn’t all the bad for someone with his vices.

Four of John and Sharon’s kids are married with kids of their own. Three of the kids took an alternate path. John Jr. is gay. He’s a bit older than me, so I didn’t really know him growing up. But sometime in my teens my mom said something about John Jr. being gay. I asked her how she knew. She said that he’s had the same male roommate for several years, and they have moved from city to city together. I have no memory of ever meeting John Jr. prior to about two or three years ago. He manages a restaurant in the city my parents live in. We happened to go there for dinner, and out came John Jr. He’s pretty flamboyantly gay. Like I said – growing up I had only heard rumors, and no one in his family ever said anything about him being gay. It just wasn’t discussed. About a year ago when my mother and sister were at lunch with John Jr’s mother and sister, the sister said something about John Jr. being gay. His mother instantly refuted this, and the daughter said “Mom – come on. We all know John Jr. is gay.” So there it was – the first time anyone in my family can recall an acknowledgement of John Jr’s sexual orientation – just in time for his 60th birthday.

Another of John and Sharon’s kids is a very masculine woman. Again – nothing has ever been said about her sexual orientation, but she certainly fits the stereotype. She has a daughter by artificial insemination. When she’s not busy with work and raising her daughter, she enjoys playing softball and vacationing with her long time female friend.

The last of John and Sharon’s children to never marry is the youngest. Maybe he’s gay – maybe he’s not. Maybe it’s just that no one can stand to be around him enough to get to know him. He’s about my age, and we went to high school together. We were friends – but not that close. As far as I know, he’s never dated anyone.

Since John’s death, my mom and Sharon have become pretty close. They were always good friends, but now they meet a few times a week. Their friendship could be crucial for my mom once I come out to my parents – since my mom already has a friend with a gay son. Maybe they’ll use each other as a sounding board.

I really don’t think the gay thing is going to be that big of a deal for my mom. I think the larger issue is the divorce. For her, that is a huge deal. She’s stayed in a loveless marriage for over 50 years now – so why shouldn’t everyone else? Also – she’ll feel really bad for my daughter. My mom thinks kids can’t survive divorce. Obviously, every case is different.

My daughter’s reaction to all of this is very important to me. I considered staying in the closet just to make her life more “normal” – but in the long run; I don’t think that’s for the best for any of us involved. There are a few reasons I feel this way – mostly because it’s time I’m honest with myself and the rest of the world. Second, I don’t think my marriage was a good example for her.

Welcome Bloggers

2010-03-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'd like to welcome two new bloggers (at least they're new to me).

Chris at My Journey Out - who talks about (straight) married life and the gay man.

and TwoLives at If I Do The Right Thing - who has a lot of good coming of age gay stories.

Both blogs are really interesting, so check them out...

-nl

Insomnia

2010-02-28T02:52:00.000-07:00

It’s 2:45am. It’s raining. I’ve been in bed for a few hours – staring at the ceiling. Don’t you hate it when your mind is going 100 miles per hour, and all you want to do is sleep?

My wife and I had a strange conversation Friday evening. She asked me what type of man I’m attracted to. I wasn’t able to give her a good answer – because I suck at answering questions about what I like. So she started naming famous men and asking me if I thought they were attractive. Like Ralph Fiennes (no), Cuba Gooding Jr (no), and Tim Gunn (no). She happens to find all three attractive. Eventually I gave her a small list of guys who I think look good. She smirked. No one on my list makes hers. On the plus side – we’ll never fight over a man.

I don’t know what her deal is with Tim Gunn – but she’s totally bat shit over him. Like she has a chance. I guess he’s okay, if you like butlers.

A few hours after our talk she got strangely quiet. I guess it was too much for her. I try to not talk about gay things with her for that reason – she just ends up getting upset. But she brought it up, so I figured it was okay. Maybe she’s moving on. Apparently not. Next time I’ll end the conversation. She spent all day Saturday upset – maybe it was over something else. I’ve learned not to ask – it makes it worse for both of us. She would rather suffer in silence.

In other news – my daughter is going to be a forensic scientist. She recently lost her first tooth. Unfortunately, she lost the lost tooth at school, so she had nothing to put under her pillow. My wife and I told her not to worry; the tooth fairy would come anyway. That night when I went to put the money under her pillow, I found a note. It read: “To The Tooth Fairy, I’m sorry my tooth got lost.” She also drew some hearts on it. The next morning she was happy as could be after finding the money under her pillow. So happy that she decided to leave a thank you note under her pillow for the tooth fairy the next evening. So my wife wrote a card to my daughter from the tooth fairy using several colorful markers. This continued for a few days, where my daughter would leave notes for the tooth fairy. One night I wrote a note back to my daughter from the tooth fairy. The next day after school, my daughter very cheerfully told me the story of the note that the tooth fairy left her. Then she said “The tooth fairy used the dark purple Sharpie marker from that set you just bought to write the note.” I said “No – I’m sure the tooth fairy has her own markers, and used them instead”. “No – it’s the dark purple marker from the new set in your top dresser drawer. I checked. It was the same marker. She doesn’t have her own markers – that’s why she used my red, orange, and yellow bubble markers to make the card for me the other day”.

Oh boy.

What's Crackin?

2010-02-23T10:03:00.001-07:00

I went out with my platonic gay friend twice in the last few weeks. We went to dinner and had some good conversation. Then we went to see Shutter Island on Friday. Here’s my mini-review of Shutter Island: It was okay. It’s the kind of movie that I like to watch on cable on a Sunday afternoon, but not one that I want to pay $9.50 to see in the theatre. And what's up with Leonardo Dicaprio? He has that perpetual baby face, but he’s getting old, so he looks weird. Maybe the movie was better than I remember – we had to sit in the second row, so seeing the entire screen was challenging. And we were around a group of high school girls who screamed at the slightest thing. Fun.

It’s good to have someone to talk to – especially someone who I can relate to. We’re about the same age, and grew up near each other. So we have a bit in common. He’s really a nice guy. He lived on his own since college. Even when he’s in been in relationships, he doesn’t move in with the guy. Maybe that’s a smart move.

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told me that the father of one of her classmates had died. I thought she might be upset about it – but she seemed fine. Her biggest concern was that it wasn’t fair that the kid wasn’t required to do all the assigned work that day. I told her it was okay – that people sometimes need time to adjust after losing a loved one. Later that evening, she put together a small book for the kid. It was cute. She basically said that she’s sorry his dad died, and she hopes he feels better, and she’s his friend. She took it to school with her today – but I told her to give it to her teacher and let her give it to the boy. I thought it would be better to have another set of eyes act as a censor. I’d hate to upset the kid any further. But maybe he’d appreciate it – I don’t know. Poor kid.

On a lighter note – the hot guy that sits across from me comes into my cube this morning with a tape measure and says “Want me to measure your waist?” I sat there for a few seconds in shock before saying “no”. He had gone to a company sponsored health fair event where they were giving out tape measures. What I was really thinking was “Sure – we can start by measuring our waists, and move forward from there”

Also – this video cracked me up:

Post Brad

2010-02-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

So after Brad left the car rental place – we hired a new lot boy. But it wasn’t a boy – we hired a girl. We had our very first lot girl, and a pretty one, too. Her name was Erika. Poor thing had to work around all the guys all day. But she handled herself pretty well – she wasn’t afraid to verbally spar with the guys and didn’t take shit from anyone.

Again – I got to train her. On her second day I got up the nerve to ask her to go to lunch – and she agreed to go with me. It seems I had a little crush on her. This was only the second crush I had on a girl post puberty. There were numerous guy crushes, but only the occasional opposite sex crush. The last time I had a “girl crush” was in sophomore year in high school – a Goth girl in my photography class, but she didn’t have the most feminine appearance, although I think she was feminine under all the black lipstick, eye makeup, nail polish, black leather and spikes. But Erika was a bit more feminine looking. She was still a bit edgy looking, like a post Goth girl (it was the late 80’s). She had dark red hair, creamy skin, and tall – but she had really delicate features. I’m probably boring the hell out of you guys describing her. I was nervous around Erika at first – which is funny because I wasn’t nervous around Brad.

Our work lunches became a regular event. Eventually we started seeing each other outside of work – movies, dinner, or an occasional concert. My hormones were surprising me – because I was genuinely attracted to Erika. Although – given the opportunity, I would jump in bed with Brad first. What am I saying? I had plenty of opportunity to jump in bed with Brad, but never did. Let me rephrase. I would fantasize about Brad more I did often than about Erika. On a Kinsey scale – I’m probably a 4.5. This confused the hell out of me. Typically I didn’t go for girls – but there was something about her that appealed to me – both mentally and physically.

Eventually, Erika moved to another city (see a pattern here?). We kept in touch for a year or so via telephone (this was pre-email/facebook/twitter, folks). We used to talk a few times per week, sometimes for hours. But – distance has a way of killing a relationship, and the phone calls slowly tapered off. At some point we just stopped calling each other. I did run into her about three or four years later. She looked even better than before. We had a quick chat – exchanged phone numbers, but neither of us ever called.

The Lot Boy

2010-02-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this post with a little disclaimer. I’m very naïve when it comes to detecting that someone is interested in me. I can tell when someone is into someone – but as soon as you put me in the equation – all bets are off.

So like I’ve said before – in my senior year of high school I worked at a car rental agency. Basically I was a car jockey. I would run cars between our service lot and the airport lot, clean them, refuel them, etc. I ended up being the weekend supervisor – so I had to work every Saturday and Sunday. It was really a fun job – especially if you like cars. I would end up driving about 150 cars per day, about 1 mile each. Around holidays it would be much more. It was a mix of everything from the crappiest little economy car to high end Cadillacs and Lincolns. We had a handful European luxury cars, and few sports cars as well. Sometimes when we would have an influx of outbound rentals or a huge amount of returns, we would spend a few hours running the cars in one direction to balance the lots out. For example – if we got 50 or 100 returns at one time, we would have one guy drive a shuttle car, and 5 or 8 lot boys would drive the dirty cars back to the service lot, jump in the shuttle car and head back to the airport for another load of returned cars. And repeat 10 or 20 times.

Riding in the shuttle car was interesting – remember that most of the lot boys were college jocks. So 6 or 8 of us would pile into whatever the shuttle car was – sometimes it was a minivan, sometimes a 15 passenger van, but often is was a sedan. So you ended up with a few football players pressing up against you for a little while.

One day a new lot boy appeared. His name was Brad. They put him on the weekend shift and told me to train him (not that training someone to run cars back and forth is that hard). Brad was really hot. I know I use that word a lot to describe guys – but Brad was genuinely hot – like this hot:

For whatever reason – we became friends. We would go to lunch together and sometimes just sit in one of our cars and talk for hours after work Over the course of the next few months, some strange things started to happen. When Brad and I were alone – he would behave differently. Remember – I usually don’t notice when someone is sending me “I’m into you” signals – so I wasn’t really sure what was going on at the time. Also – he acted pretty normal when other guys were around – so I noticed the change in his behavior once every one else left the room.

One time I was sitting at a desk in the service office and he came in and sat down. He was wearing shorts - so he spread his legs. He wasn’t wearing any underwear, and I could see his balls. I acted like I didn’t notice – but the look on his face was totally “look at my balls, dude”.

One time we were taking a car through the wash (which was pretty dark). We were both sitting in the front seat. He bent over and began to pretend he was blowing me. After a couple of seconds he laughed and sat back up in his seat and said “just kiddin’ bro”.

I accidentally caused him to get a bruise on one of his nipples when I stopped short and he fell into the console in a minivan. So for the next month he would show me how his bruised nipple was healing. Every day. He would slowly rub his nipple with his finger while he did this. It drove me fucking insane.

Then there was the daily interactions – how would frequently rub my shoulders. He would take his shirt off a lot – then put it back on when someone else came around. His language was very sexually charged when it was the two of us.

Oh – and he had a girlfriend. I never met her – she lived a few hundred miles away. He showed me her picture – she was a bit heavy, and not the best looking girl. He could have done much better. So I think he was using her as a decoy to keep people from suspecting he was gay.

But one day he came in and told me he was moving to the Midwest. His family was moving, and although he was in college, he lived with his parents. They wanted him to transfer to a new university and move with them. So he did.

Me being a dumbass – I never acted on anything. I was too scared to. Also – part of me suspected that his attention was all some kind of a sick joke. But looking back – I don’t think he would have spent so much time and effort on a joke. I probably frustrated the hell out of him – because I never really responded to him. I regret not at talking to him about what was going on between us – but then again, he was going to move anyway, so I would have gotten my heart broken.

Twenties

2010-02-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

I finally got an estimate to repair the storm damage on my house. So with the tree removal and the roof repair it’s going to cost me $1000. Ouch – but still, the people in Haiti have it a lot worse than I do.

Being closeted for so long, you learn to compartmentalize your life. I used to live pretty “straight” in my home town, but would be more adventurous when I was out of town. I’ve never been to a gay bar in the city I grew up in. But when I would travel on business – I would check things out. It’s kind of funny how I had no idea about the gay scene in my own environment, but knew the gay hotspots in three other cities.

I used to work at a car rental place when I was in high school. A lot of the service agents (lot boys) were really hot. Most of them were college students working part time. I used to be the weekend supervisor. One weekend a customer called in with a broken down car. So I got the info and sent two of the service agents out to exchange the car. We always sent two agents in one car each; one car for the customer, and one car in case they were unable to drive the broken (or sometimes wrecked) car back to the airport. So they come back from the exchange and were both pretty freaked. Apparently I had sent them to a gay bar (I had no idea – but in hindsight, I guess a bar called The Mining Company could be a gay bar). Not only that – but the customer didn’t want to go over the paperwork in the parking lot – so he insisted the guys go in the bar. Well – you can imagine the stir that two 20 year old straight college jocks would cause in bar full of 40 something gay men. Fresh meat. I guess they got felt up, so to speak. To make things worse – the operations manager at the rental place really believed in “sex sells”. To him this worked both ways – so the girls at the counter were hot and barely dressed. So were the lot boys – he made the guys wear tight shirts. So the guys were looking pretty good. I’m not quite sure how I passed the interview process, though.

I do have a story about one of the lot boys – I’ll have to save that for another post.

I can remember going to a male strip club in another city once. I was probably in my early 20’s. One of the dancers finished his routine and mingled with the crowd. I can remember staring at him and thinking “damn, I’d love to run my hands across your chest”. But I didn’t have the balls to say (or do) that.

Occasionally I’d go to a gay bookstore in the city I lived in (daring, I know). One time some guy cruised me – which totally freaked me out. I left the bookstore a few minutes later. He followed me and stopped me on the sidewalk. This freaked me out even more, but I was still intrigued. So we walked to a nearby park and sat on the grass by an old elm tree. He was close to my age – and not bad looking. I told him I wasn’t out, and didn’t think I was ready to do anything with a guy. This is the first conversation I ever had with someone where I talked about being gay. I asked him about his first time. He told me he was playing truth or dare with another kid from his apartment complex when he was still in high school. They were just friends – there was nothing sexual about their relationship. So his turn came up and he chose dare. The other guy said “I dare you to suck my dick” – so he did. Being the puritan that I was at the time when I heard this – I was shocked. So then it was the other guy’s turn – and he chose dare, so this guy says “I dare you to fuck me” – so the kid did. After that they stopped playing the game – and never hung out again. Funny how sex does that. I thought he kind of got the short end of the stick (no pun intended).

Anyway – the guy gave me his number, but I never called him.

What to Say?

2010-01-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

I haven’t been very good about updating this blog recently. I don’t have anything interesting to say – so this post will just be a bunch of random thoughts.

I met a guy for coffee last week - just a friend who I met online. He’s gay. The cool thing about our meeting was that I didn’t feel the need to discuss the whole gay thing, and he didn’t really ask any questions about it – so we were just two guys talking, both of whom happen to be gay. Maybe I’m over having to discuss things. We’re planning on meeting up again sometime soon – maybe catch a movie or something. It will be good to have a gay friend – strictly platonic. It’s kind of weird – but I really don’t know many gay people. Other than the father’s group that I belong to – I never really interface with gay men.

The weather has been a little crazy here – last week we had a fairly severe storm. We ended up loosing a 10 year old tree and some roof tiles. We’re in the process of fixing the house up to sell it – but Mother Nature has different ideas.

I’ve been watching some gay themed movies recently (don’t you love NetFlix?). The problem with most of the independent gay movies is that they tend to be tragic. The main character usually has to have a drug problem or something.

Shelter: Pretty good movie. Maybe it’s trying too hard to be a typical love story. Some things seem to be glossed over a bit, but it’s definitely worth watching. The characters are appealing.

Shortbus: This is a good movie. The sex scenes are a bit explicit, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I love the sex therapist character (“I prefer couple’s counseling”). She is unable to achieve an orgasm. I think I fell in love with Jay Brannan while I watched this movie. I ended up downloading a bunch of his music from iTunes - and recommend you check it out.

The Houseboy: This movie can be a bit of a downer. It’s obviously a low budget independent, and has a film school student feel to it. The main character is depressed through most of the movie. There’s a whole meth induced orgy scene. Most of the characters are odd. But in the end, I enjoyed watching this.

Poster Boy: This movie was a bit slow. It’s a typical spoiled child of a powerful man movie – except the spoiled child happens to be a gay and in the closet. This threatens the re-election plans of the father. The father is a real bastard. It’s fairly interesting – but I can tolerate slow plot development.

Update

2010-01-19T10:07:00.001-07:00

I haven’t posted anything in a while – sorry. I’ve been a little busy.

This weekend we sent our daughter off to Grandma & Grandpa’s house (my parents). My sister flew here to pick her up, and I flew out yesterday to bring her back home. She had a blast – so that was good.

It was awkward for a while – the house was so quiet. But you soon get used to the silence. We took the opportunity and did some painting in the house. We need to get if fixed up if we’re going to sell it. When our daughter returned – she said she didn’t think much of the color changes. Not vibrant enough for her.

But it was nice to have her back in the house – singing her little songs, drawing, painting, playing games, asking 500 questions a minute, all the things that 6 year olds do. She breathes life into the home. Although I think the cat would disagree with me. He went and hid on first site of her.

At some point this weekend my wife and I were talking. She said something interesting – not that I didn’t already feel this, but it’s the first time she verbalized it. She said that the divorce will be hard for her because she always had someone around to fix things when they broke, take care of the car, and drive her to doctor’s appointments when needed.

So I guess I was just a handyman and chauffer to her. At least for the last several years. Maybe she didn’t mean it that way – but I think it does accurately speak to our relationship.

This weekend at my mom’s I saw a newspaper with an article about a cousin of mine. I don’t want to say too much here – but he’s a political figure on the opposite side of the spectrum of my family. He had been interviewed about his views on gay marriage. Obviously he’s opposed to gay marriage. In his capacity as a politician, he’s doing everything he can to prevent gays from marrying.

So we started talking about the subject. My parents and my sister are quite angry at my cousin’s actions because “people are born gay – so why shouldn’t they be able to marry”.

I probably should have taken that opportunity to communicate my situation with them – but I didn’t. I guess it wasn’t the right time for me.

Luckily – the article did not paint my cousin in the best light. Smart reporter. I know my cousin well – he’s an ass with severe anger management issues. So while there are people in his district with no running water and an unreliable source of heat – he’s doing everything he can to help them - by protecting them from the evils of gay marriage.

I really don’t get the ultra-conservative philosophy of “the government should stay out of everyone’s business” – unless you’re gay, a woman, non-American born, ethnic, or a non-christian. What they really mean is “the government should legislate everybody to be just like me”.

Oops!

2010-01-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post... I was in a meeting yesterday at work. I had closed Firefox prior to the meeting, on the off chance that someone might see my blog or some other blog on my laptop screen.

A few minutes into the meeting, the chairperson asked if someone could project while she took minutes. I really hate driving during these minutes, so I was reluctant, but after everyone else sat there silently, I volunteered.

I plugged into the projector and opened the meeting's SharePoint site. One of the meeting documents was in Word. Apparently I already had a Word document open, and when I closed the meeting document, the other open document came up on the projector.

It happened to be my previous blog post. I noticed it pretty quickly and ALT-TAB'd out of it. But for about a second, my post about hooking up with some guy was on display in front of about 8 co-workers.

Fantastic. I don't think anyone saw enough to know what they were looking at.

Another Encounter

2010-01-07T00:29:00.001-07:00

I probably shouldn’t be writing about this. But the whole point of this blog is to share things. Things I’m proud of. Things I’m not proud of. I had a bit of a dry spell in the romance department. It’s not that I haven’t been trying. I realize that I’m not going to get anywhere with one night stands and random hookups, so I’ve been trying to meet men in a more conventional way. But from time to time I get the urge for immediate companionship.

Tuesday was on of those days. I responded to an online ad. I know – I know – it’s foolish. The poster seemed to be interested in me. He was in town for a few days on business. We arranged to meet at his hotel Tuesday evening. He sent me an email saying he was stuck at work a little later than expected. He included his room number and said he would email me when he got to the hotel. So I got there a little before him. I parked in the hotel lot and waited in my car. Every time someone walked by, I would wonder if it was him – but none of them matched his self description. Then I saw a rental car pull up and park. A tall man got out of the car and opened the trunk to get a brief case. I thought to myself “that can’t be him – he’s way too hot”. At that moment my phone got the email saying he was at the hotel. So it couldn’t have been him – this guy couldn’t have sent an email while parking and unloading his car.

He walked into the hotel, and I followed, sure that this wasn’t the guy. I read the signs in the corridor to find the room number. The hottie from the parking lot was still in front of me – probably about 100 feet or so. Just as I figured out that the room I looking for was at the end of the hallway, on the right, this guy pulled out his key card and unlocked the last door on the right. As he opened the door, he glanced down the hall and looked at me. He gave me a look. I look that I know all too well. I know it because it’s the look I see anytime I catch my own reflection when I’m out somewhere. It’s the “don’t fuck with me” look. If I run into someone I know at the mall or someplace, they always say “you look so mad, are you okay?” I guess it’s just a defense mechanism. I really don’t want to talk to people, and if you look mad, nobody will talk to you.

So I get to the hotel room door and knock on it. About 30 seconds later, he opens it. Holy shit. He’s tall. Really tall. I’ve never been with anyone taller than me, so it’s a little intimidating. He also looks better than the picture he sent me. That’s twice that someone sent me a photo that doesn’t live up to reality. Definitely better than the inverse. He’s wearing a dress shirt and dress pants, and he knows how to fill out a pair of pants (the rear, at least).

He invites me in. He wasn’t nervous at all. I wasn’t either. I’m guessing he does this somewhat regularly. I don’t know why I wasn’t nervous – maybe I’m doing this too regularly myself.

Within a minute or so we were in the full swing of things. He was way hotter than I expected. Really good looking face, nice body. He had a few tattoos, not too many like some guys. Dark hair, medium complexion. About 6’3”. Late 20’s. Yes – I know, again with the younger guys. I can’t help it. I seem to click better with someone about 10 years or so younger than me. Maybe I’m immature for my age.

So all in all, it was a nice evening, if a little shallow. But sometimes, that’s all I really need. Strange how technology allows us to have these kinds of encounters, isn’t it? I mean 15 or 20 years ago I never would have done something like this. In part because I probably wasn’t ready for a quick hookup, and in part because it’s much easier to respond to an ad via email and hash out the detail within several minutes, never actually speaking to a person. Sometimes computers can make things too easy.

I haven’t written a post like this in a while. I guess I find it embarrassing to write about these things. Nik over at “My Bizarre World” recently mentioned how many men he’d been with in 2009 (here). He asked his readers if the number is too high. That got me thinking. Am I a slut? I’m going at about twice Nik’s pace. Is that a lot? Probably. I’ve only written about two of them – and alluded to one of them in my “freak out moment” post. I did have a long post written about one of the guys, but eventually deleted it because it was just too much information to share.

Sometimes I wonder what the type of men I’ve been with says about me – if anything. I’ve been with 7 guys (keep in mind that I’m still new to this).

6 of them have been younger than me
5 of them significantly younger than me
4 of them were hot as hell (lucky me :P )
2 of them were married
5 were masculine – and I never would have guessed they were gay
1 was somewhat feminine
5 of them were around 6’ tall
1 was taller than that
1 was about 5’9”
None of them were well endowed
One was blonde, while the rest had brown hair
None of them were bald
6 of them were good in the sack
4 of them had killer bodies.

Okay – now I’m rambling. Time to stop writing this post. Oh - and I stole the term "encounter" from SG.

And just for fun: